Molder

I classify myself as a molder. A person that can sit in any event without looking out of place. I have a natural tendency to adjust to the environment around me. Sometimes that's very good, and can have a lot of benefits. However when it comes to people,on the individual level. I tend to mold to them specifically. This sometimes create an unwanted attraction that I will abuse. This is my addiction this is my muse.

The biggest problem is when I look into a mirror. I'm not sure quite what to see. Other than a living organism, that's bound and restricted by limitations on life. From self, others, and beliefs. The self changes, so do others. Beliefs well they should be standard. What is wrong will always be wrong. That alone isn't enough to stop me. What is right will always be right. That alone won't always guide me.

So I'm stuck again and again. Between the same choice. And instead of taking one path. I'm dragging them both. The weight is heavy. And I've thrown out somethings from both. Even with the load lightened. I still find myself confused in the rubble I find. Not sure which way is which anymore. I lost all sence of direction. And all I can do is to let it go. Wait once more for the choice to become clearer. Once more I wait for my identity to take shape. How many times can a piece of clay be remolded before its torn to shreds. I can already see them falling and it makes things worse in my head.

The three wise monkeys

I've lost myself one too many times, I've asked for help one too many times, I've not given out as much as have been given to me. And still I expect forgiveness. I'm blind to all those that are close, deaf to all those who scream from afar.  I'm only running away from me. 
And I'm angry for those that let go, and angry for those that stay close.

Lost by myself, growing deeper in dispare. I love what I am, I fear what I will be. I can't change without re-thinking everything. And I feel time is not by my side. Too stubborn to act on emotion. Confused on temporary relef. A present hedonistic life lived. Unexpected life to turn out like this. I'm pleased. But not entirely comfortable. I'm at peace with the world. But I'm constantly at war with myself. Too many distractions pulling me away from my desires. Even though temporary happiness flows from forgotten memories.

My wish, though selfish. Have a better memory. And stronger will. I know what needs to be done, but no idea how to go about it. Everytime I just start I get a failed attempt at following up in life. Failing makes me change tactics, makes me inconsistent, but persistent; but only for things that can get away. Nothing stays the same.