Life is the usual, and all is going well. You plan and expect outcomes from the future, but you can't really tell. As time passes and you get closer to the end, something suddenly comes up. Reality knocks you down and proves that it will be a challenge. The choice is left to you to accept it, face it, and make it. Cowering in the corner hiding from the truth, gets you no closer to success. Procrastination is a solution for those who fear to do, and fail epicly in the process. Given a forced choice between two outcomes, but wanting to do both equally the same. Leading life in no real direction except forward, enough with it being the same. Enough with me being here.
I know where I need to be in the future. What seemed to be logical thought/idea. I know what needs to be done in order to achieve it. It's just a matter of how long I take to get there. At least, that is what I thought. Faceing the first challenge between a rock and a hard place. All I can think is I need to breath. Forgeting I've already accepted this challenge in my head, all I can see is escape back to here. No place of value just open space, were I can breath with ease and not be scared of death.
Soulutions crossed my mind over and over. The easiest to attempt requires a full pledged motive. The hardest being four to six places at any given moment. I seem to lack a drive, a gear that will push me forward. Even though I hate where I stand I can't seem to push myself. Comfartable in the cushion of freedom and the idea that I can continue doing nothing. This is the standard in many lives, but do I accept just the standard? There is so much out there waiting for me to explore. Yet I expect failure more and more. The fear of failure is my greatest weakness. It's my cryptonite to life. I can push forward if a devastating attempt is made. Risking crippling in my life if I fail.
That's all I can imagine, that's all that seems to be there. It's horrible I think like this, but unavoidable part of me. This is the first time I think/discus it in my own mind. The first time I accept this problem as something that needs to be taken care of. The only way I know how is to face it head on. Take the hardest of the chalenges. If I try my best, I know I won't regret it.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Reality can be a complex illusion
What is the truth? I think the better question is what is not? Everyone processes information differently. Yet all life have a common goal. Survival is embedded upon us. Curiosity as well, though not as directly. We're all looking for something. Most don't even know what it is. I like to think I search for truth. In whatever way I see fit as it comes. Litreture, fact or fiction, has clarified to me seeking truth is a never ending process, simply because we learn something new everyday. My deductive reasoning has led me to believe the truth cannot be sought after. As such it my be easier to know that which is not.
Some arts of fiction are based on some distorted truth. There are so many distorted truths that I notice some similarities to reality and some to each other. These ideas must have originated from some place. Just to take you out of your box I'm going to give you an example that is somewhat relevant. The pyramids were built by aliens. That statement has been proven wrong by science and recreation of events that has passed. Yet, it's such a common idea it marginally seems plausible. There are many more ideas and concepts similar to this for now I'll just use aliens as a base. I'm sure most people think green men when I say aliens, because that is a common misconception protrate amongst humans. However there is a small part that believes it, even in me.
Each person has his own reality. Some build them on their own, some built as a collective. I say that because I believe my reality is a collective. Ideas, thoughts, perception, misperception, truths, lies, light, darkness, and religions. All of which drives me on my own path. I forgot reason, logic, and rationalization. Which can put truth where no truth exists, or mask it right before your eyes.
Oh! The most important thing: trust. So much is both built and broken on trust. But the truth is what allows you to trust. Unless built on lies to deceive your mind.
So much going on at any given time, you have to rely on others info for a piece of the pie. Cut so small it's I've become indifferent. I'd rather come to the conclusion on my own. The only way to do so is if it crossed right in front of my life. Otherwise it's not important and I wouldn't give it time in light.
Some arts of fiction are based on some distorted truth. There are so many distorted truths that I notice some similarities to reality and some to each other. These ideas must have originated from some place. Just to take you out of your box I'm going to give you an example that is somewhat relevant. The pyramids were built by aliens. That statement has been proven wrong by science and recreation of events that has passed. Yet, it's such a common idea it marginally seems plausible. There are many more ideas and concepts similar to this for now I'll just use aliens as a base. I'm sure most people think green men when I say aliens, because that is a common misconception protrate amongst humans. However there is a small part that believes it, even in me.
Each person has his own reality. Some build them on their own, some built as a collective. I say that because I believe my reality is a collective. Ideas, thoughts, perception, misperception, truths, lies, light, darkness, and religions. All of which drives me on my own path. I forgot reason, logic, and rationalization. Which can put truth where no truth exists, or mask it right before your eyes.
Oh! The most important thing: trust. So much is both built and broken on trust. But the truth is what allows you to trust. Unless built on lies to deceive your mind.
So much going on at any given time, you have to rely on others info for a piece of the pie. Cut so small it's I've become indifferent. I'd rather come to the conclusion on my own. The only way to do so is if it crossed right in front of my life. Otherwise it's not important and I wouldn't give it time in light.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
All about food
Food in Kuwait is a big deal. As a matter of fact it's the only deal. There are so many diffrent styles and so many the same. Food is big business. The most recent trend with food is healthy food. Almost all new places have healthy diet food for this trend. So why is it so hard to decide on something even with all the new names poping up. People can't be deceived when it comes to food, it's all a matter of taste. With regards to the food itself or how it's presented. One issue that drives me insane is that not all the restaurants have delivery, especially some of the bigger names. Some of them have great food but no service. Others are the opposite. Few even just have looks but no real action. Even less are usually considered dead. However to each one that lasted there has to be a fairly good customer base. It's not easy to have and maintain that, especially in Kuwait.
Nutritionist should take a new look at how the food group is in Kuwait. One thing you have to keep in mind is that it's greatly affected by age group. For example purposes I will use my age group 22-28, or something about that range. Keep in mind every statistic has a margin of error. So as I was saying the new food grouping should be: office food, home food, food eaten outside. Each person may have a different combination of these three, and they must overlap. So I hope your thinking of circles and diagrams in your head. Each one contains certain attributes you look for. Some good places can fit in all three locations. As an example subway is famous for being healthy-ish and can be used for any time/place. The problem is people get bored of having the same thing over and over. Yet, most people tend to order the same thing every time from each restaurant.
What's important is what's good. Few experiment with what's new, at least not without some form of recommendation or knowledge of who's it is. Kuwait is a food haven. There's so much to choose from, yet your taste will always bring you back to the same. Not that you have a favorite restaurant, just enjoying the meal. Fast food has become a standard, and that's what most people eat. Location is even more important. Tendency shows that the most place you order from is the closest.
In this day and age we have the Internet. It brings the food to your doorstep. Sometimes you don't even need to carry cash. That provideds a new relm of laziness. Which is a huge market on it's own. Still, everyone is fighting for every ounce of advantage. So it brings us back to a matter of taste. The only thing left to wonder is whats your taste?
Nutritionist should take a new look at how the food group is in Kuwait. One thing you have to keep in mind is that it's greatly affected by age group. For example purposes I will use my age group 22-28, or something about that range. Keep in mind every statistic has a margin of error. So as I was saying the new food grouping should be: office food, home food, food eaten outside. Each person may have a different combination of these three, and they must overlap. So I hope your thinking of circles and diagrams in your head. Each one contains certain attributes you look for. Some good places can fit in all three locations. As an example subway is famous for being healthy-ish and can be used for any time/place. The problem is people get bored of having the same thing over and over. Yet, most people tend to order the same thing every time from each restaurant.
What's important is what's good. Few experiment with what's new, at least not without some form of recommendation or knowledge of who's it is. Kuwait is a food haven. There's so much to choose from, yet your taste will always bring you back to the same. Not that you have a favorite restaurant, just enjoying the meal. Fast food has become a standard, and that's what most people eat. Location is even more important. Tendency shows that the most place you order from is the closest.
In this day and age we have the Internet. It brings the food to your doorstep. Sometimes you don't even need to carry cash. That provideds a new relm of laziness. Which is a huge market on it's own. Still, everyone is fighting for every ounce of advantage. So it brings us back to a matter of taste. The only thing left to wonder is whats your taste?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Selective memory
My memory is worse than selective. I forget way too quickly, not always by choice. Sommetimes things are hard to forget. Especially if you want to. You start thinking about it more and it makes the memory permanent. Certain feelings arise from those moments you never knew existed. And you try hard to bury those feelings but you know are there for a reason. That reason is also a moment which can top the rest. So forgetting the memory becomes a fight with time. Nolonger can you forget it in that moment.
In order to truly forget you must think of other moments, where they come through in the end. A successful moment is hidden and it should be where your concentration is. To clarify all my ramble here is an example. Dad... He is and always has been the only one who truly cares about what I do... But there are moments of weakness that in truth I have forgoton, but I know exist. From those moments I've developed a relentless hate, which even though I know not to be true, I can't escape it. This feeling shouldn't exist, because it's built on a few moments. Burying it deep within myself is the only thing I know how to deal with it. Erasin it is imposible. Embrasing it when it comes is favorable, because it goes away that much faster.
Then I bury it back deep within my soul, hidden from even myself. Building on it, with the knowledge it's going to be destroyed, but without a time limit. Unfortunatly my method is not real, because even at the slightest disagreement I feel a little blast. My foundation has been built strong enough to hold. Knowing that there will be more destruction and even better construction because he's my dad.
With time I felt these quakes in even the moat certain places where I thought no quake would be. Most foundations have shaken with some never to come back up. Even when I dismiss the shake and make nothing of it. It can be fixed by itself. I think this needs another example of a moment that has come and past so many times it's dangerous to build. A friend for a long time is where I felt it. He's more like a brother to me than a friend. Our differences are so many so different that there is no building only rubble. The fact the rubble is still there fighting time itself is a testiment of it's value. Those that survive the darkest moment are the memories I can never forget.
Then there are memories that are so engulfed in darkness, they are the hardest moments to erase. They are where the darkest feelings arise and are given birth. Not forgotten only buried deep within the soul. These moments should never be mentioned or thought about. So no example can be made. Emotions are frigile and can easily change. Make your mind up and stick with it, otherwise trust will be lost on yourself.
In order to truly forget you must think of other moments, where they come through in the end. A successful moment is hidden and it should be where your concentration is. To clarify all my ramble here is an example. Dad... He is and always has been the only one who truly cares about what I do... But there are moments of weakness that in truth I have forgoton, but I know exist. From those moments I've developed a relentless hate, which even though I know not to be true, I can't escape it. This feeling shouldn't exist, because it's built on a few moments. Burying it deep within myself is the only thing I know how to deal with it. Erasin it is imposible. Embrasing it when it comes is favorable, because it goes away that much faster.
Then I bury it back deep within my soul, hidden from even myself. Building on it, with the knowledge it's going to be destroyed, but without a time limit. Unfortunatly my method is not real, because even at the slightest disagreement I feel a little blast. My foundation has been built strong enough to hold. Knowing that there will be more destruction and even better construction because he's my dad.
With time I felt these quakes in even the moat certain places where I thought no quake would be. Most foundations have shaken with some never to come back up. Even when I dismiss the shake and make nothing of it. It can be fixed by itself. I think this needs another example of a moment that has come and past so many times it's dangerous to build. A friend for a long time is where I felt it. He's more like a brother to me than a friend. Our differences are so many so different that there is no building only rubble. The fact the rubble is still there fighting time itself is a testiment of it's value. Those that survive the darkest moment are the memories I can never forget.
Then there are memories that are so engulfed in darkness, they are the hardest moments to erase. They are where the darkest feelings arise and are given birth. Not forgotten only buried deep within the soul. These moments should never be mentioned or thought about. So no example can be made. Emotions are frigile and can easily change. Make your mind up and stick with it, otherwise trust will be lost on yourself.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Hiding behind the truth
Words are wonderes and have their ways. The truth is what you believe and can change. A msk of lies hidden beneath the truth. That would of been a nice way to summarize, but it's a great place to start. Ideas are endless only as they are ideas. Once you attempt to test or evaluate them, it stops becoming an idea and turns into a truth. We are all here on a fact finding mission, that's life. The facts we find, believe, or even evade- are what make us who we are. Each personality is diffrent, and I'm not talking about the front which you put up for people.
People will see you as you present yourself. How many layers of presentation you forsee. A lie within a lie within a lie… just to present a truth. Key element may include silence or the illusion of understanding. Even though I know what's going on around me I'm not involved in it. Quiet isn't quite the word I'm looking for. I'm not sure which word I can use to describe it. Solitary seems to alone and I don't feel alone. It might be a combination of diffrent things that I hope show through my writing style. I'm not sure that's even possible.
Especially since my whole life is based on what others think, do, act, ect. Some people have greater effects than others. The greatest person effecting my life so far has been my dad. Without a dout, much of which is me is from him. However he's not alone. Sometimes that makes me feel I'm not myself, but in truth the combination of everyone who affects me makes my who I am. Yet, I don't believe I'm easy to mold or change. Strangle enough there is one thing that's my own - my writing - my flow -- never ending thought under control. Every time I write I feel a little free, just that much more chain is given to me. Yea it's a huge deal that I'm hiding under annonaminity, but otherwise this writing would be a facade of lies. I don't think I can write without the truth by my side.
People will see you as you present yourself. How many layers of presentation you forsee. A lie within a lie within a lie… just to present a truth. Key element may include silence or the illusion of understanding. Even though I know what's going on around me I'm not involved in it. Quiet isn't quite the word I'm looking for. I'm not sure which word I can use to describe it. Solitary seems to alone and I don't feel alone. It might be a combination of diffrent things that I hope show through my writing style. I'm not sure that's even possible.
Especially since my whole life is based on what others think, do, act, ect. Some people have greater effects than others. The greatest person effecting my life so far has been my dad. Without a dout, much of which is me is from him. However he's not alone. Sometimes that makes me feel I'm not myself, but in truth the combination of everyone who affects me makes my who I am. Yet, I don't believe I'm easy to mold or change. Strangle enough there is one thing that's my own - my writing - my flow -- never ending thought under control. Every time I write I feel a little free, just that much more chain is given to me. Yea it's a huge deal that I'm hiding under annonaminity, but otherwise this writing would be a facade of lies. I don't think I can write without the truth by my side.
Wicked temptations of the untouchable
I've just arrived at the office. The traffic was terrible on the way. However me being the worst one out there I acctually got in at 8:05… the official late time is after 8:15. I go about my standard entry rout, sign a piece of paper and go to my desk. So here's the little difference that inspired me to write. Usually I sit at my desk and set up my workspace for the rest of the day. Ie. Turn computer on, charge my iphon, get out a pen, ect. All of which are little items that don't make much of a difference.
Today instead of the standard routine, I sat down then turned around to ask a question. You see right behind me is the section head. He was overflowed with papers, none of which concerned the section. Me attempting to get work when none is available led me to see the traffic behind him. The door to which people come to sign in is right behind him, today it seemed all the women came after I did.
You should of seen the diffrent styles of cloths they had on. Keep in mind it's winter, add to that we are in a conservative country. Still yet they somehow managed to add a sexy appeal. One specifically that trumped the others. She was wearing a mini trench coat... What ever it's called was baige, looked expensive, and didn't go below the knees. I sware that I had a nude image flashing bhind the coat. From where I was siting at that moment she looked like sex. Pressburg on a silver platter. The irony is that I've seen this woman before and she's not all that. Today was different she looked hot.
It's just a natural to think of taking off your cloths when hot. Through my imagination I tore through her cloths without hesitation or thought. She may a well of had a bikini behind and I couldnt tell. Imagination is powerful. So much so that when activated can't be shut down. (at least not at the work place) and because of her I started noticing other Womans attire. If they have a ring on their finger they don't even appear on my radar. But for those who I know don't. Today they were nacked in my head. The tightness of the dresses and figures made it easy. Even what was once ugly seems like a dream. Not that this feeling hasn't occured before. I know tomorrow it will disappear. That which is a dream will be ugly again.
Though it haunts me. The thought of the magic and how easy it is, or isn't depending on… I don't know…that's why it's magic. There is however a new illusion on display. The hottest secretary has been placed at the desk next to mine. I'm at awe in the show, but have to remain at bay. Cannot touch even when it grows closer to me. Although I hate to admit, but I've crossed that line already. What was in my head at that time was… crazy. Still that moment has passed and was brushed off as… an accident. Though we both know what was ment as it was done. The set up was given, or taken… without a return. The teptation is wild, but I'm mostly I'm in control.
Today instead of the standard routine, I sat down then turned around to ask a question. You see right behind me is the section head. He was overflowed with papers, none of which concerned the section. Me attempting to get work when none is available led me to see the traffic behind him. The door to which people come to sign in is right behind him, today it seemed all the women came after I did.
You should of seen the diffrent styles of cloths they had on. Keep in mind it's winter, add to that we are in a conservative country. Still yet they somehow managed to add a sexy appeal. One specifically that trumped the others. She was wearing a mini trench coat... What ever it's called was baige, looked expensive, and didn't go below the knees. I sware that I had a nude image flashing bhind the coat. From where I was siting at that moment she looked like sex. Pressburg on a silver platter. The irony is that I've seen this woman before and she's not all that. Today was different she looked hot.
It's just a natural to think of taking off your cloths when hot. Through my imagination I tore through her cloths without hesitation or thought. She may a well of had a bikini behind and I couldnt tell. Imagination is powerful. So much so that when activated can't be shut down. (at least not at the work place) and because of her I started noticing other Womans attire. If they have a ring on their finger they don't even appear on my radar. But for those who I know don't. Today they were nacked in my head. The tightness of the dresses and figures made it easy. Even what was once ugly seems like a dream. Not that this feeling hasn't occured before. I know tomorrow it will disappear. That which is a dream will be ugly again.
Though it haunts me. The thought of the magic and how easy it is, or isn't depending on… I don't know…that's why it's magic. There is however a new illusion on display. The hottest secretary has been placed at the desk next to mine. I'm at awe in the show, but have to remain at bay. Cannot touch even when it grows closer to me. Although I hate to admit, but I've crossed that line already. What was in my head at that time was… crazy. Still that moment has passed and was brushed off as… an accident. Though we both know what was ment as it was done. The set up was given, or taken… without a return. The teptation is wild, but I'm mostly I'm in control.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Line of sight
Today is a dark day. Winds are steadily growing stronger. A fog has come down on Kuwait. It's not all that surprising as we've had a good run of nice weather. As it's Kuwait it's always been on and off. Forget the fact that we are in December for a sec. Think about how diffrent it was from yesterday. As a matter of fact it's changing so quickly all you have to do is look outside. You'd think a huricain was upon us. Greatfully no such thing occurs in Kuwait. Though we do get bad winds that just keep speeding up because we're in the middle of noware.
As we all know even being someplace isn't enough to stop mother nature. Her will is stronger than any concrete or any object built by man. Even that which is built to fight against harsh conditions. I say this today because I just took a walk outside for a quick bite. My gitra(traditional headware) nearly got blown off. The next block over is invisible from a mixture of dust and fog. Tall buildings seem to be floating in mid air, at least the area that can be seen. The current of air is strong even through the cracks of the buildings.
It seems kind of clear but there are areas which are worse off. I hope it doesn't last for the rest of the day. Oh! To add insult to injury, before the situation escalated to as it is, this morning as I was parking my car an Indian came to clean. Wouldn't you know even though I needed it, that th weather would get this bad. Even though it almost never rains if it does I won't forget it. I can't wait to see if my car is still clean after this mess. That is to say if it clears up. I'll post an update telling you which it is... Till then you just gota get through without me…
Update: my car is semi-clean... With just the right amount of dust on it.
As we all know even being someplace isn't enough to stop mother nature. Her will is stronger than any concrete or any object built by man. Even that which is built to fight against harsh conditions. I say this today because I just took a walk outside for a quick bite. My gitra(traditional headware) nearly got blown off. The next block over is invisible from a mixture of dust and fog. Tall buildings seem to be floating in mid air, at least the area that can be seen. The current of air is strong even through the cracks of the buildings.
It seems kind of clear but there are areas which are worse off. I hope it doesn't last for the rest of the day. Oh! To add insult to injury, before the situation escalated to as it is, this morning as I was parking my car an Indian came to clean. Wouldn't you know even though I needed it, that th weather would get this bad. Even though it almost never rains if it does I won't forget it. I can't wait to see if my car is still clean after this mess. That is to say if it clears up. I'll post an update telling you which it is... Till then you just gota get through without me…
Update: my car is semi-clean... With just the right amount of dust on it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The power of one
One is alot... You know twos company, threes a crowd. One is much more powerful. It stands alone. Holds it's ground. Never wavering to surrender. Otherwise it would be zero. The power of one is too great to comprihend on so many levels. Coming to conclusions for serious issues you sometimes have to contradict yourself. Weirdly enough you don't always win. I don't know how to explain it but if you wait too long, then it will be concluded for you. Yes, you will learn- but that is the power of one.
Alone and by yourself statigizing your next move. If you don't act, fate will force some control. I believe in fate, and I use it to my advantage. The only way I'll know if my attrmp is successful is to bear through it. I say that because fate is a bitch. Yea I'll get what's coming to me but I can't accept it. I've accepted so much and bore through trials of life, with the knowlage that as long as I live these trials are not over. Even when one concludes another appears. I'm not running away from fate, I face an embrace it. Unwillfuly knowing this is what is ment for me. Passing them off as they grab hold. Waiting for the next direction, the next step, the next test for me and my soul.
I get shivers of time were I feel that it's going to break. Strenuous life with all my mistakes. Forgeting the past and looking on the present, where I plan the future. Missing the moments that seem to never end. Where I can think without strain on anything, or one. That is truly a great power one can hold. One is set as the first. The first. That is still alot. The next step is easy if you can cope with the first. And it gets easier with time. There's alot I can say about time, but I'm trying to concentrate on one, the first, the start, the beginning.
So much more than just one.
One is many. Think of what there is one of. Then remove everything that's copied. One or many?
Alone and by yourself statigizing your next move. If you don't act, fate will force some control. I believe in fate, and I use it to my advantage. The only way I'll know if my attrmp is successful is to bear through it. I say that because fate is a bitch. Yea I'll get what's coming to me but I can't accept it. I've accepted so much and bore through trials of life, with the knowlage that as long as I live these trials are not over. Even when one concludes another appears. I'm not running away from fate, I face an embrace it. Unwillfuly knowing this is what is ment for me. Passing them off as they grab hold. Waiting for the next direction, the next step, the next test for me and my soul.
I get shivers of time were I feel that it's going to break. Strenuous life with all my mistakes. Forgeting the past and looking on the present, where I plan the future. Missing the moments that seem to never end. Where I can think without strain on anything, or one. That is truly a great power one can hold. One is set as the first. The first. That is still alot. The next step is easy if you can cope with the first. And it gets easier with time. There's alot I can say about time, but I'm trying to concentrate on one, the first, the start, the beginning.
So much more than just one.
One is many. Think of what there is one of. Then remove everything that's copied. One or many?
Living aimlessly
In the world today, with all of its ease, many have difficulty setting up for success. Most people see wasted time and effort gone through useless repetition that they don't bother at all. However as you grow older you tend to focus on a routine. Somethings just won't change, unless something drastically diffrent from the norm occurs. These life changing moments are opportunities to think outside the box. Speaking from within the box that's something you have to evaluate on your own. However when evaluating these ever changing moments, you must remember a few things. Where you are in life. Where you want to be in life. And finally how to get there.
The first step is always easy. I'm sure you already have your reply. The second step is where I have difficulty, but to try and defend myself I think I'm still in the "trial" faze. Its just there doesn't seem to be an end to it. I'm still young I can waste time trying things out and see how I cope with it. Unfortunatly I seem to be very good at copeing with stuff, even really important stuff that may seem simple to you, like what I want to be. A simple answer always arises in my head when I'm asked that question, I've never replied it out loud. Me! I want to be whatever I am.
Yea... Right now I've got a desk job that I could train a monkey to do... Yea I'm not feeling challenged by life at present... Still I'm set up for the future. Even if I'm unsuccessful at achieving my short term goals. I still have back up. It's not my own back, but it's definitely up, way up. And I'm tied to that with blood. Stronger than any imaginary chain or what have you.
So…why am I here, if not for myself, then what. It's seems it's for someone else. I've learnt that it's not a big deal if you live for someone else. Take their dream and make it your reality. Live up to all the impossibilities that is the imagination. It's not that it's hard. It's deathly boring. I've tried to grow an immunity to boredom. Engaging my mind by myself when no one else is around. Feeling satisfaction, guilt, and everything that's between. Strengthening my emotion, yet never acting on them, bottling up hiding deceiving life and everything including me.
When I see people who genuinely care, and try to do something that will change reality. I feel both sad and happy… because they are living a dream. Employ these moment they will not last, you will come to your sences and never regret that you lived in that moment amd though unseucsessfull was the best.
I don't have new ideas, no new anything. I'm one within billions that just is. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not sad. I cope, it is what it is, that's life.
The first step is always easy. I'm sure you already have your reply. The second step is where I have difficulty, but to try and defend myself I think I'm still in the "trial" faze. Its just there doesn't seem to be an end to it. I'm still young I can waste time trying things out and see how I cope with it. Unfortunatly I seem to be very good at copeing with stuff, even really important stuff that may seem simple to you, like what I want to be. A simple answer always arises in my head when I'm asked that question, I've never replied it out loud. Me! I want to be whatever I am.
Yea... Right now I've got a desk job that I could train a monkey to do... Yea I'm not feeling challenged by life at present... Still I'm set up for the future. Even if I'm unsuccessful at achieving my short term goals. I still have back up. It's not my own back, but it's definitely up, way up. And I'm tied to that with blood. Stronger than any imaginary chain or what have you.
So…why am I here, if not for myself, then what. It's seems it's for someone else. I've learnt that it's not a big deal if you live for someone else. Take their dream and make it your reality. Live up to all the impossibilities that is the imagination. It's not that it's hard. It's deathly boring. I've tried to grow an immunity to boredom. Engaging my mind by myself when no one else is around. Feeling satisfaction, guilt, and everything that's between. Strengthening my emotion, yet never acting on them, bottling up hiding deceiving life and everything including me.
When I see people who genuinely care, and try to do something that will change reality. I feel both sad and happy… because they are living a dream. Employ these moment they will not last, you will come to your sences and never regret that you lived in that moment amd though unseucsessfull was the best.
I don't have new ideas, no new anything. I'm one within billions that just is. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not sad. I cope, it is what it is, that's life.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Live and learn
You are born between good and evil. What you learn from then on makes you what you are. What you do defines you, but how you think is for you alone. I on the other hand like to share my beliefs and desires. I also like to hear what others have to say. I like trying to think like other people, even in messed up situations, and compare to how I would of acted. Perspective is the word of the day. It should be it's own dimension. That alone should be hard to take in.
Anticipation is within my nature. I assume how you would think. Based on intellect and movies you should be thinking he's crazy, then that's such a cliche. Unfortunately it works nearly every time, dragging someone into my logic is easy. Following theirs is damn near impossible. Whenever I ask a question answers prematurely pop in my head... What next gets easier unless there's something I want. Information is a great value only if you know what to do with it. If you don't its almost useless.
The point I was trying to make went flying over my head... It's good vs bad and the fine line between. Everybody has both good and evil. Choice is always there. Doing nothing at all is a choice as well. If it's good or bad... Only you can tell.……… I like to think of myself as balanced, not good or bad. I believe in the fact that everything has something equal but opposite to it. For every good dead a sin is made. Karma exists and and all that other bs.
Yea... I believe it to be true… but don't apply to me. That might sound weird but let me explain. The simplest way I can is when driving, I'm controlling. If someone does something I don't like I almost always do it back. Unless I was at fault. I can admit to being at fault. However not as much as I probably should.
Belief is a very powerful weapon. You can will something to happen. Knowing that you have to erase ill-will. Unless you have no heart. Unfortunately that's easier said than done. For me especially, because for every good intention I have done. I think evil good for nothing thoughts. There are two reasons for that. Firstly I like being balanced between good and evil. Secondly I can bear the thought of having someone equal but opposite to me. He/she would rule the world...
Perhaps my mind flows to far to follow. My thoughts to fast to catch and hold. One of these days I will be in full control. And then… God help us all.
Anticipation is within my nature. I assume how you would think. Based on intellect and movies you should be thinking he's crazy, then that's such a cliche. Unfortunately it works nearly every time, dragging someone into my logic is easy. Following theirs is damn near impossible. Whenever I ask a question answers prematurely pop in my head... What next gets easier unless there's something I want. Information is a great value only if you know what to do with it. If you don't its almost useless.
The point I was trying to make went flying over my head... It's good vs bad and the fine line between. Everybody has both good and evil. Choice is always there. Doing nothing at all is a choice as well. If it's good or bad... Only you can tell.……… I like to think of myself as balanced, not good or bad. I believe in the fact that everything has something equal but opposite to it. For every good dead a sin is made. Karma exists and and all that other bs.
Yea... I believe it to be true… but don't apply to me. That might sound weird but let me explain. The simplest way I can is when driving, I'm controlling. If someone does something I don't like I almost always do it back. Unless I was at fault. I can admit to being at fault. However not as much as I probably should.
Belief is a very powerful weapon. You can will something to happen. Knowing that you have to erase ill-will. Unless you have no heart. Unfortunately that's easier said than done. For me especially, because for every good intention I have done. I think evil good for nothing thoughts. There are two reasons for that. Firstly I like being balanced between good and evil. Secondly I can bear the thought of having someone equal but opposite to me. He/she would rule the world...
Perhaps my mind flows to far to follow. My thoughts to fast to catch and hold. One of these days I will be in full control. And then… God help us all.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I had a dream, and it was good
Dreams are funny things, sometimes sad, and others are just not remembered. The most vivid dreams I can recal are those which I re-enacted while I was awake. If you've ever tried to remember a dream you should understand. If you don't even recal remembering a dream then go to sleep... When you wake up think only about your dream. It's extremely difficult to wake up with that mindset, instead the obviouse 'why did I even wake up' dawns over you thoughts. Followed imeadeatly by 'got to do........got to hurry' by which time all essence of the dream is gone. I've found that the less you sleep the faster you remember your dream when you wake up. With this dream I have had it reoccur in my head so many times the details are beyond vivid imagination. I can't seem to remember if I wrote about it before I dreamt or I dreamt about it before I wrote it down. Either way here it is again...
It starts in total darkness nothing can be seen, but there is no thought, hesitation or fear. There's a light breeze brushing against my skin, it's cold but feels good from within. As I close my eyes to enjoy the feeling rain starts to fall. Each drop light but noticeable slow at first but getting faster. As I turn my head to the sky and open my eyes I begin to see. The clouds over me changing as I stand. Turning colors from white to grey to black. Slowly growing closer to each other as if drawn by magnets. Now the darkness is back I can only see the gaps of the sky, and I know that they too will close together to bring back the emptiness of this vast space.
When the clouds finally touch a bright light comes from within. I notice that just ahead lies a picket fence. Darkness is once again upon me as I start to walk. Just before I hit the fence another thundering light is flashed. Stoped me in my place. I thought I had a glymps of what's beyond but it seemed too unreal, I knew that anther flash would come, so I stood waiting trying not to blink. Out from beyond the farthest sight I start noticing fient flashes from very far. I squint my eyes and try to concentrate, and it seems that the flashes are growing faster and closer.
I take a step back in awe of the scene, only I relize I looked forward and it's still not clear. With every flash of light a little bit of the picture turns bright. I look up to see the clouds gathering in the sky. Only the flashes of light outlining their clash, only to notice the center of the fight. All their efforts going into one spot, darkness light encerciling each other. Growing closer still. To an empty space where I can make out part of the moon, disappearing and reaping with each passing boom. The heavens thunder and the ground shakes. As I steady myself I turn to see. The length of the fence in front of me. Over each horizon to the right and left. As if it kept moving with my sight. Echoing behind them still are small flashes of light.
Still there is no fear in my heart. I'll feel safe if I cross the fence. I walk towards it with the background in my sight. As I touched it lightning finally strikes. I felt it's tremor shaking through my hands, and saw it in it's instant the vast land. So I stood there patiently waiting the end of time. I notice the flashes in the back have come close to the center. Yet, through all this madness I see glimpses of the moon. Lighting a path to something cool. A narrow beem led me to a rose on a hill surviving through and through. The shuttering light seems to fade really fast. Darkness is wining and it will be the last.
Lighting strikes from right and left. Each with it's own power and vibration through my body. With each strike I see them growing closer still. In the center everything seems to be still. The picture is almost clear and It will be compleat. If only I could reach that center at the peak. I jump the fence only to feel my shoes are wet and the water seems to be in motion. Flowing away from the center but stoping at the fence. Now I'm thinking if I don't get to high ground I'm going to be electrecuted. I finally let go of the white picket fence. Start running towards the emptiness. As it drew closer to me I start seeing lighting falling heavyly, but the water is still light and there isn't much time. To draw a clearer picture of what's happening in my mind.
Fear is still not in my heart I know I can make it, I already made my start. As I kick through the water splashing about I feel sharpness and pain against my legs. I look down to see the water is covered by roses flowing through the stream. So many roses each one comes with many pricks, as I rush my legs through a little blood starts to shed. With the water rushing down from over my head, I know I can't stop till I reach that flower bed. As that thought occurred in my head, the ground shaken with each step, the light flashes on and off, diffrent locations demolished by pure unhindered force.
The grounnd beneath me starts to tilt, I've begun my assent on the hill. The water flowing beneath my feet, with each passing step becoming less but strong. More thundering roars shake the earth. As I reach the top I turn to see. I'm in the center with everything flowing away from me. Petels decorate the sky and show me the path of the winds. With every location in destruction and it does not stop. My knees buckle with the next few quakes, each one growing stronger and harder to beat. Lightning striking from all around, rivers forming on the ground. As more light is flashed, fast flickering as if there was no darkness at all. I notice the beauity of the rose on top. The white perfection is in total harmony with the silence of the eye of the storm. When everything else is in chaos it lies perfectly still.
I buckle further and my hands hold me up. I notice the water flowing is now red with all of the flowers petals from all the others. I look back to see that this white rose is the only one left in peace. I try to close in to take a closer look, but as I do every thing starts to slow down. The drops the lightning the petels even the shakes in the ground. Everything slowed almost to a stop, my mind confused but loving my luck. I look up in the sky and it seems- everything has finally gathered over me. A bright light burding slowly through the sky. Narrow and sharp breaking space and time. Shattering the darkness right before my eyes.
I was frozen in place I could not move. I looked down back at the rose. Still it stands firm in it's place. Nothing seems to be bothering it, even in all the chaos it holds still. The lightning over my head passes by my skin, burning the tip of my nose but passing still. As I jump back in pain I see it's aim. It's the white rose it wants to hit. As the flash hits the rose time stops. I see everything standing still in it's place even the lightning on the rose. Petals and rain drops and air still motionless.
Nothing happens all around me, but I feel something is wrong. I look down to see the rose blooming fast climbing the lightning wall. Growing faster higher, as if it took all other time and used it for itself. I look up to see the flower bud covering the moon. Blooming gracefully eclipsing all it's light. Suddenly time starts normal and everything in the sky starts to fall. No more wind brushing no more clouds gathering nothing is happening at all. I look up to see the rose still grips the lightning holding strong.
Here is where I wake. Feeling refreshed and joy.
It starts in total darkness nothing can be seen, but there is no thought, hesitation or fear. There's a light breeze brushing against my skin, it's cold but feels good from within. As I close my eyes to enjoy the feeling rain starts to fall. Each drop light but noticeable slow at first but getting faster. As I turn my head to the sky and open my eyes I begin to see. The clouds over me changing as I stand. Turning colors from white to grey to black. Slowly growing closer to each other as if drawn by magnets. Now the darkness is back I can only see the gaps of the sky, and I know that they too will close together to bring back the emptiness of this vast space.
When the clouds finally touch a bright light comes from within. I notice that just ahead lies a picket fence. Darkness is once again upon me as I start to walk. Just before I hit the fence another thundering light is flashed. Stoped me in my place. I thought I had a glymps of what's beyond but it seemed too unreal, I knew that anther flash would come, so I stood waiting trying not to blink. Out from beyond the farthest sight I start noticing fient flashes from very far. I squint my eyes and try to concentrate, and it seems that the flashes are growing faster and closer.
I take a step back in awe of the scene, only I relize I looked forward and it's still not clear. With every flash of light a little bit of the picture turns bright. I look up to see the clouds gathering in the sky. Only the flashes of light outlining their clash, only to notice the center of the fight. All their efforts going into one spot, darkness light encerciling each other. Growing closer still. To an empty space where I can make out part of the moon, disappearing and reaping with each passing boom. The heavens thunder and the ground shakes. As I steady myself I turn to see. The length of the fence in front of me. Over each horizon to the right and left. As if it kept moving with my sight. Echoing behind them still are small flashes of light.
Still there is no fear in my heart. I'll feel safe if I cross the fence. I walk towards it with the background in my sight. As I touched it lightning finally strikes. I felt it's tremor shaking through my hands, and saw it in it's instant the vast land. So I stood there patiently waiting the end of time. I notice the flashes in the back have come close to the center. Yet, through all this madness I see glimpses of the moon. Lighting a path to something cool. A narrow beem led me to a rose on a hill surviving through and through. The shuttering light seems to fade really fast. Darkness is wining and it will be the last.
Lighting strikes from right and left. Each with it's own power and vibration through my body. With each strike I see them growing closer still. In the center everything seems to be still. The picture is almost clear and It will be compleat. If only I could reach that center at the peak. I jump the fence only to feel my shoes are wet and the water seems to be in motion. Flowing away from the center but stoping at the fence. Now I'm thinking if I don't get to high ground I'm going to be electrecuted. I finally let go of the white picket fence. Start running towards the emptiness. As it drew closer to me I start seeing lighting falling heavyly, but the water is still light and there isn't much time. To draw a clearer picture of what's happening in my mind.
Fear is still not in my heart I know I can make it, I already made my start. As I kick through the water splashing about I feel sharpness and pain against my legs. I look down to see the water is covered by roses flowing through the stream. So many roses each one comes with many pricks, as I rush my legs through a little blood starts to shed. With the water rushing down from over my head, I know I can't stop till I reach that flower bed. As that thought occurred in my head, the ground shaken with each step, the light flashes on and off, diffrent locations demolished by pure unhindered force.
The grounnd beneath me starts to tilt, I've begun my assent on the hill. The water flowing beneath my feet, with each passing step becoming less but strong. More thundering roars shake the earth. As I reach the top I turn to see. I'm in the center with everything flowing away from me. Petels decorate the sky and show me the path of the winds. With every location in destruction and it does not stop. My knees buckle with the next few quakes, each one growing stronger and harder to beat. Lightning striking from all around, rivers forming on the ground. As more light is flashed, fast flickering as if there was no darkness at all. I notice the beauity of the rose on top. The white perfection is in total harmony with the silence of the eye of the storm. When everything else is in chaos it lies perfectly still.
I buckle further and my hands hold me up. I notice the water flowing is now red with all of the flowers petals from all the others. I look back to see that this white rose is the only one left in peace. I try to close in to take a closer look, but as I do every thing starts to slow down. The drops the lightning the petels even the shakes in the ground. Everything slowed almost to a stop, my mind confused but loving my luck. I look up in the sky and it seems- everything has finally gathered over me. A bright light burding slowly through the sky. Narrow and sharp breaking space and time. Shattering the darkness right before my eyes.
I was frozen in place I could not move. I looked down back at the rose. Still it stands firm in it's place. Nothing seems to be bothering it, even in all the chaos it holds still. The lightning over my head passes by my skin, burning the tip of my nose but passing still. As I jump back in pain I see it's aim. It's the white rose it wants to hit. As the flash hits the rose time stops. I see everything standing still in it's place even the lightning on the rose. Petals and rain drops and air still motionless.
Nothing happens all around me, but I feel something is wrong. I look down to see the rose blooming fast climbing the lightning wall. Growing faster higher, as if it took all other time and used it for itself. I look up to see the flower bud covering the moon. Blooming gracefully eclipsing all it's light. Suddenly time starts normal and everything in the sky starts to fall. No more wind brushing no more clouds gathering nothing is happening at all. I look up to see the rose still grips the lightning holding strong.
Here is where I wake. Feeling refreshed and joy.
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