Molder

I classify myself as a molder. A person that can sit in any event without looking out of place. I have a natural tendency to adjust to the environment around me. Sometimes that's very good, and can have a lot of benefits. However when it comes to people,on the individual level. I tend to mold to them specifically. This sometimes create an unwanted attraction that I will abuse. This is my addiction this is my muse.

The biggest problem is when I look into a mirror. I'm not sure quite what to see. Other than a living organism, that's bound and restricted by limitations on life. From self, others, and beliefs. The self changes, so do others. Beliefs well they should be standard. What is wrong will always be wrong. That alone isn't enough to stop me. What is right will always be right. That alone won't always guide me.

So I'm stuck again and again. Between the same choice. And instead of taking one path. I'm dragging them both. The weight is heavy. And I've thrown out somethings from both. Even with the load lightened. I still find myself confused in the rubble I find. Not sure which way is which anymore. I lost all sence of direction. And all I can do is to let it go. Wait once more for the choice to become clearer. Once more I wait for my identity to take shape. How many times can a piece of clay be remolded before its torn to shreds. I can already see them falling and it makes things worse in my head.

The three wise monkeys

I've lost myself one too many times, I've asked for help one too many times, I've not given out as much as have been given to me. And still I expect forgiveness. I'm blind to all those that are close, deaf to all those who scream from afar.  I'm only running away from me. 
And I'm angry for those that let go, and angry for those that stay close.

Lost by myself, growing deeper in dispare. I love what I am, I fear what I will be. I can't change without re-thinking everything. And I feel time is not by my side. Too stubborn to act on emotion. Confused on temporary relef. A present hedonistic life lived. Unexpected life to turn out like this. I'm pleased. But not entirely comfortable. I'm at peace with the world. But I'm constantly at war with myself. Too many distractions pulling me away from my desires. Even though temporary happiness flows from forgotten memories.

My wish, though selfish. Have a better memory. And stronger will. I know what needs to be done, but no idea how to go about it. Everytime I just start I get a failed attempt at following up in life. Failing makes me change tactics, makes me inconsistent, but persistent; but only for things that can get away. Nothing stays the same.

Resurrection of thought

Once upon a time I remember the day when I couldn't write if I was happy. It was truly a ventilation for my soul. Now I speak my mind freely, a little too much so. That in this sense alone I appear to be angry; this anger has eaten me away. It drives me to do and say the insane. I never tried to pent up happiness and this task proves harder than it seems. Even though things are starting to mellow out.  

Time changes and people evolve, I too have succumb to evolution. Only it takes times for a person to grow. I no longer see changes around me before I see change in myself first. Now I realize that the world has not changed, life has always been moving forward. It was I who was stuck in a stage of disbelief.

Still I have yet to grow out of my shell. Even more so when a new stage begins. I cannot see what is coming, but I believe that it is for the best. Right now I'm in a state confusion. Just waiting for myself to clean up my own mess. Slowly it dissapears as time erodes and heals all wounds. I find myself finally standing, looking up at the long way to go. For the first time I'm actually planing, and simulating all I already know. It's time to face a new challenge, with hopes of conquering anything that will come before (success) it's time I reach up and show just how much I've grown.

Sorry love, truth hurts; your an adiction that I abused

I'm sorry I can't fall in love
I'm sorry I can't give you my heart
I'm sorry I couldn't try
To make it worth your while
I'm weak I can't hold my tongue
I can't hold back telling you my truth
I never even considered loosing you,
I don't know what it means,
Because I never let you too close,
Even when I surpassed all my expected boundaries , and fell into something new, 
Not quite love, but an addiction that I abused,
So close and yet so far from the truth,
A vision envisioned subconscious  surrender to the truth   
A lie an act that I can't complete 
A person arises with whom I can't compete.

Subtitles Script

[SAGER] Ahmed we would like to talk about classic cars in Kuwait.
To start off could you tell me their current situation in Kuwait.

[AHMED] Honestly the situation is excellent and more each day they pop up and people restore and modify them. I mean Mashallah Kuwait sets the standard in classic cars among the Gulf countries.

---

[SAGER] Okay Ahmed are you facing any problems with finding spare parts?

[AHMED] I don't face many problems, I can get parts from America, ask friends, bring about here and there. We find it, our friends get things done.

[SAGER] Right on them.

---

[SAGER] I remember the last time we spoke you told me the best solution for Kuwait is if there was a large parts store.

[AHMED] That's right, we spoke about that. But this needs capital, who can provide that? If there was a large warehouse like Summit, or Jeggs, or any of the big companies, this solves a lot of problems.

[SAGER] Yet it needs capital.

[AHMED] Capital yes, so work gets done fast. In this case many of the people's car problems are solved. Work becomes pleasant.

[SAGER] Right, especially if someone knows what parts to order.

[AHMED] Yes you order parts from the big American companies, they have and deliver everything. Alhamdulillah work is good and sport cars are increasing, because there are people who care and work on them.

---

[AHMED] [something something] and soft music. These are the way things should get done, I mean someone shoots a video and spectates along with soft music. Look at that guy.

[THAT GUY] Doctor hit it!

[SAGER] Ya that's a radio station or none at all.

[AHMED] These are the days, an old radio playing an old song. What do you think?

[SAGER] Monster.

---

[AHMED] Love the classics.

[SAGER] Of course, how can't we.

[AHMED] Unfortunately it's not clear. Hah!

---

[SAGER] Alright you think Kuwait allows someone to drive a car like this everyday?

[AHMED] Yes [something] air-conditioning, everything is allowable.

---

[AHMED] Here are our racers, ranking first in the Gulf.

[SAGER] First in the Gulf?

[AHMED] All the time.

[SAGER] True our friends don't let us down.

[AHMED] It's something honorable honestly.

[SAGER] And what about our situation in Bahrain and the UAE?

[AHMED] In Bahrain we're the first all the time, they're afraid of us. Our friends Mashallah are villains!

[SAGER] Right on them.

[AHMED] Always the first, they fear the evil in them. Come on.
This is our garage, and this is where we chill, our chats and our talks.
Alhamdulillah they like our work. We have no problems.

Just a story

Life as we know it is a test. We truly enjoy the benefits only after enduring its suffering. Imagine if you will toiling over a field of food, not because nothing outside existed, but to literally taste the effort spent. We all know any average job is mundane, and any exceptions will become so with enough repetition. So why bother? Well... to stay with my example, you can't appreciate having even a lousy job until you see the alternative: nothing. "It's better having experienced something bad, than not experiencing at all" -unknown- " because the only time your not experiencing anything, is if you were dead!"

When rising in life never forget that everything is by your side, and thank god for every opportunity. When falling down uncomfortably always remember that everything is still by your side, and just as fast as you fell you can get up again. For every bad memory there's at least two good things that come from it. One, the experience gained which lead you out of it. Two, the opportunity brought forth from it.

Life isn't always a good story, at times it will seem bad. However you must believe in the power of balance in nature. How everything has a yin and a yang. Equal parts evil and good. Life too. It is the experience of the rises and the falls. Even the times where there's seamlessly nothing at all. Of course that can't be true... Unless your dead.

Think of life as just a story. Now think, for as long as you can, in your hand you hold the pen. What would you write for yourself? Keep writing until you have a full list of everything you can imagine. Anything from what you have, to want you want.  Anything that crosses your mind. Now leave it on the side, maybe let someone review it, and next time you look at it categorize every item in your list into one of three things:
1. This item is to survive. ex. food,water, sleep.
2. This item is to get by. ex. shelter, clothing, transportation, etc.
3. This item is to make me happy. ex. smoking, alcohol, drugs, etc.

Just remember that every day is a new blank page, with new possibilities; and the world won't wait, time won't stop. So take your chance when it comes. With every opportunity, taken or left aside, life changes to something better. Even, in regret, you see a glimmer of hope. When you look at the whole, life is no longer just a story, it's a picture, moving in time; only when you look at now, this moment, it is complete. No fears for the future, no memories weighing you down. Now is the only moment you can look around, judge, and then proceed. To what ever comes next in life's tests. Once you remember your in control, you write what comes next and what goes, everything that comes is your want your call.

Left with only thin air, trouble breathing here!

I can't hold on, I can't let go,
How very weak, was never strong,
I'm free yet Withheld
Bound by what is said
Do or don't I stay awake,
Wishing the smallest difference
But making the biggest mistake,

Left with only thin air,
Trouble breathing here!

Lying still i make my stance,
A point in time present and past,
Paving the future with a cast,
Made of iron and held by concrete,
I am the driver in the kings' seat,
A throne and a crown decorates me,
Time and time again I fall and she,
She is the key that opened my door,
Shattering everything even the floor,
No crown no throne no castle to control,

Left with only thin air,
Trouble breathing here!

Once I went all in I lost it all,
I cant keep up with the show,
As The curtain draws I must go,
Was waiting for the opportunity,
 The chance of changing reality,
But I stand floating in a dream,
Darkness embodies me and I can't scream,

Left with only thin air,
Trouble breathing here!

I'm losing the chance to stop,
To clime higher on top,
But you can't win them all,
Losses only show when you fall,
Pains and bruises start to appear,
Just as fast as the dream came it disappears,

Left with only thin air,
Trouble breathing here!

I can already sense,
The down falls of her presence,
Small but carefully picked ,
The shit that normally wont stick,
But alas this is reality and here is my shit,
No illusions no delusions, this is where words come true,
From my heart, from my mind, from every ounce of conscience
I can't Even wish I wasn't like this,
I can't win with a lie,
But it can satisfy,
Until I wake from guilt, from torture and pain,
Pleasure has its' cost, nothing will be simple again,
but I don't want to give in,
To my instincts deep within.

A glass in half

The world is not two dimensional. The glass can't be either half full or empty. Imagine if you will a glass cut in half, vertically. Then it's simply said to be half. "the glass is half." not full or empty. just half. "Almost" can be used if your picky on detail. If said "the glass is almost half" what would you assume. or are you the type which will be even pickier and ask?

Leading a double life

The possibilities are endless, all that is required is a will. Nothing stands in the way of greatness or the lavish life of a prince. Just pick a moment and decide for yourself. How far are you willing to go? What risk on yourself are you willing to take? Failure is not acceptable, only one thing is. Is anything worth it? Just to live? Passing time, another moment gone. Free your mind. Nothing is too grand for life. Work hard to get to your dream. Don't live it prematurely make it last for as long as you can. I know all the meanings and have proof of life. My heart beats to every passing moment, but not every opportunity. How can I live my dream, when I can't even face reality. I'm not doing anything with myself, I've always known I need to build a better mask. One that is complete. I just can't achieve it by simply wanting and willing it. I have to get through a difficult journey. One where I fear for my life. Every day is a new beginning. With a different notion of paradise.

there's no title

this is an indication

How I made it, so far

How I made it this far,
Lift me up to a star,
Hear my words they keep breaking,
No more, no more, now I made it,
This far. This far.

I'm a just a regular person with fears,
Just began to see the worth of years,
Coming together deep in me,
Wondering how I'll make it be,
So far ahead I can't breathe,
But I'll make it if I believe,

So far I've been wandering,
Thinking so hard,
Making excuses for my heart,
How can I make it,
if my dream Is torn apart?

Held by strings on my back,
Like a puppet I can only act,
A curtain never dropped,
The show never stopped,
Still I made it,
In my heart,

A promise long forgotten but kept,
As the opportunity rises I leapt,
Jumping for my freedom,
Rising high to my dream,

This is how I made it so far.
This is how I'm aiming so far.
I kept waiting so long, for my song,
To make it so far, so far.

I just kept building and working so hard,
I have to make it happen for my heart,

How I made it, by Dany_Kuwait 
Written on march 30 2011,
Inspired by Omar Afuni's debut album resurrection.  

http://0005686.blogspot.com/2011/03/commercial-blogging.html

Déjà vu

Life is repetition. in many instances I've found myself in a position where I've been through it before, or so it would seem. The picture that surrounds me is the same, almost always. The difference is me. I adjust myself to try to see a different picture, but all that's moving is me. Everybody within the frame looking at me in disgust for ruining the picture, but I don't care. I'm bored with the same routine, the same action, even the same reaction. All to slightly different me. In the end I'm the same. I can't change, this is my nature. Messing up a photo captured in time, distorting life's normal flow with my weird ways. Why? Because I wana see something different, something change. A break in life absolute. Even when that has to be me.

processing problems

i don't understand
i never do
always stuck with i don't know
who i am - who
nobody in the world as hot as me.. me..
that's ludacris
the rapper..
right n wrong.. n all it's derivatives
fuck fuck fuck fuck what the fuck i do
i keep fuckin up.. always
kuwait airways
can't stand my mind
it hurts my heart
name it bad, wrong, sinfull
everything i do
doesn't look like
i wanna do somethin else

ithe burden n guilt of it
keeps disturbin the pace

Two wrongs don't make a right

I think of myself as intelligent, I know that's a smug remark but it's my honest opinion about myself. However at times I find myself lost, stupidified by life. With no idea what am I'm doing. Still I'm smart enough not to let anyone wrong me, but I can't help wronging others. I forget I'm too easy going, and my style of life is not seen as simple; instead it's seen as full of mistakes. Knowing them alone is not enough to change. Wanting it to be diffrent is a good step forward. Having someone aid you to your goal is permanent. I ain't a quiter, especially when I decide to quit. Even more so when I make a promise. Not the bullshit one to myself, but to someone I really care for and want in my life. Lieing about it is unacceptable. I've always thought myself as man worth my word. Its a claim I can only make, if I'm true to what I speak. Here is the first day, the first step. Publicizing myself, further to back myself. Only one thing can get me back... I can be released from my word only by that who I gave it to.

Relations...

Making them not as hard as maintaining them. Man or woman, making a deep connection built on trust, and once that's lost, all you have is a mess; and a long road of cleaning it up. Even a strong relationship can break. Even at the simplest it can get boring. One of the hardest challenges to overcome. Life can be full of surprises if you open your eyes. You just have to be willing to see. Not only that, but know what is an act. A mask hidden, hiding within lies just to build a fake relationship.

Stop the lies, it ain't worth it. If you can't trust yourself to be who you are, why bother? You'll only lose yourself to someone else, and have to live by the lie until it takes over. Looking back and looking forward I can't see where I went wrong. Too many lies build a house of carda, even the slightest breath can crumble it to the ground.

Can't wait

Time is everything, once it's gone it can never come back. Still I hurt and ake when time reveals my mistake(s). Patience is a virtue possessed by few, I'm beyond patient there is no word for it. Rarely I find myself in anticipation, but that too can come at an extreme. I've recently expirenced such a feeling, waiting watching time tick. Looking at the big picture I see me waiting patiently in anticipation. Oh the irony! I've come to realize so many things in time waiting and watching. The time which I give back has dawned and I've been caught empty handed. Expectations of life keep rising, yet I'm patiently waiting for time to overcome my challenge. Not that its unseccsuful at breaking down all walls, just that I still couldn't care. Sometimes things pop in life that breaks that barrier, and I can no longer wait for time to tick away without a hope, without a goal, without a care in the world.

halaa.. hala wallah

shlonik, allah yisalmik inshalah
7abeeb - sha5barik ba3ad
wallah tamam tamam 7imdillah
shlone hel chem yome ma3ak
lah, zain zain
ee wallah..

this is a message from the association

it's about random rant

66 We - the Association

The assignees

Want to assign

Dany the assenter

This assignment

Newposting an assembly

Which is an assortment

Of text with the assistance

Of + 1media = will be assessed

And rest assured

We the Association

Are not assumptive

But are assertive

That the assyrians

Were mostly asswipes 99

PS: n u gotta comment once a day on any blog

ocd

Update: cancel the colon n add an s then go are good

cuz they keep a story alive

yabeela

Tembo Trunks (Creative Idea)

http://yam3a.com/?p=3413

http://kuwait-music.com/

errbody be rich

like the industrial revolution
the resulting world
was thanks to the power of the people who left their homes to work for what seems to be a mediocre stable life
in a system
that is in production
hahaha
same as in the social media revolution
woohoo - fuck off
kilna 6ageenha 3oya
its takin n soon integrating
everything that does not stem from nature and using it to change
something, the
societal - economical - cultural structure
making mad money is just part of it

tadree shlone mabee mountain
hill, sandbox --- hahahaha just get me the fuck outta here

feeding each other

i don't know
they're missing some charactery
everybody puts too much weight to be social or relaxes n settles to a track
it's social individualness
sounds rosy
bit minty n healthy
fuck the balance who
the fuck need it
why is it needed
go to sleep

too tired to think
it's thursday

I feel like a dog

The need for attention, deprivation. Love. Seeking to find the unknown. Chasing things that never go away. Happy with a simple pat on the back. Pushed forward by good feedback. Even in the hope of it. Self satisfaction, no matter what is actually being achieved. So long as something keeps praise coming my way. ‏​‏​‏​

Self praise is hard to confirm. But when staying alone, I'm almost never lonely. Missing the affection, but giving it so much attention when it's there. A female companion is nice but unnecessary. A mix of a need and want. But when I get it, value is still with the unknown. New tricks being learned every day. Filling my head, forgetting what was said, what I did; and making the same mistakes again.

tsunami

the internet is there to fulfill a need
can't argue with that
except if the notion of care is debated
care is either a selfish or selfless act
truth is in the realm
truth is the realm
there aren't opposites
purely except black and white
good and plenty evil
whatever's in between's indifferent
truthworthy; conscious; unnecessary
be good or take it all in
i wanna live with no restrictions
n i don't wanna know the opposite
it'll kill ya

Naive

A need to stop caring, stop feeling needed, naive. Still it's me. Living in the bubble. Popping every day. With every new piece of information. Slowly surely the picture becomes compleat.

Sometimes reminded not to give in to temptations. Other times letting it take  full control. Unpredictable motives driving, being driven, with no place to go.

Yes it's me. It's absolute. Partial or impartial, proportioned to the whole. Irregardless, regardless, taking everything to account. Defining, depriving, 1, 2, and me.

call me

missing u
as in don't have u.. it..
ur not here, not with
know that's how it is..
will not leave that glimpse
mind is still with u
heart is untouched
like dust on water
lost with out yo designated touch
here n ur there, n losing u
fade u not
not gonna lose u
unless u lose
prison's window looks out to u
not prison if windows don't see u
slaves see everything
n dream of prison

the change of tomorow can be seen today

the revolutionary year of 2011. it's a mark of history. definitely a strong topic that will forever be remembered. the arab world is changing. people are standing tall just to be heard. they deserve every right as any other human. Why is it so hard to believe?

the world is watching and waiting for the real change to settle in. will it make a huge difference to the world? Maybe, but definitely to the Arab community. so much change is occurring in such little time. a trigger so small pushed actions harder than any before.

people are more understanding and more knowledgeable. you can no longer hide the truth from the world. 2011 is the year that people stood up just to say: hear me for i can make a sound. we are weak and only God can make us strong. we will fight for our right. freedom echoes through out the world. this is a start to what will tear the world apart. only to come together as a better place to be human.

from now till the time something puts a stop.to the chaos, of all the little misconducts. the effect has already begun, the motion of the word has spun. all eyes are here now, today. Stand up and say what you have to say.

from me all i have to tell, is i thank God, and wish you all well. we will see what outcome change can bring. here is hoping it's not devastating. 

Nothing

Nothingness eats away your soul,
Filling some empty hole,
What is and what might,
Now nothing shines bright,
No will left to fight,
Surender to the light,
So close so near,
Live in no fear,
Back again for more,
Update the score,
One for life and its' teaching,
Just keeping time moving,
Forward two steps and back one,
My work here is still not done.

kaifiq8i

it's a fine good day today.. we're made to chill.. bs what are we really.. might be called lucky.. either way we don't give two shits about it.. there's something about this culture that's funky, and fresh.. cuz we still who we are and were.. except some part of us streched out.. originally all we do is chill, work, take care of the fam n friends, sleep twice, have meals, or whatever.. bs i don't know.. we seem to be busy with somethin else.. we're on something oo we're rippin it apart.. i7na 7adna intitialize an experience.. commercialize.. consume.. yummy yeverytime.. like flies on bird shit, yo cheeseburger, where do flies like to investigate .. eww 7ada.. u think flies give a shit ?

then we're off it once it dries up n fades.. when time does its thing.. 
f the media.. ass holes couldn't change us, it taught us to mutually utilize.. tool for action based on some good enough reason.. so we hotel our homes, chill, eat, socialize, or whatever.. with the ability to do all these things at the same time right? not yes much no being yes sacrificed.. who no-es.. if we spin too short we're fine, spin too long we spin again.. rhyme hmm.. ;*

we're fishers.. or farmers.. who up n party

Flow

The hardest part of getting in the grove, is getting started. Concentration is key, suprise is additive. Nothing is the most reoccurring challenge. Every other thing is small and can be confronted at that time, given a certain set of circumstances. At that time or any other, only you are the judge, the jury, the defence, and the prosicution. I divulge. Devide and conquer. Simple thought flowed in one direction distorts the conclusion. Taking it into account alone is not enough to clarify.

Nothing more can be said.

no to structure

all i can think of is the world.. and the brain.. channels of senses.. everything is definable, really, excessively and marked by a description.. boy i hate that description.. that means i hate the dictionary, atleast how i first felt..

need the dictionary sometimes, or all the time - it takes credit for what i say.. can't complain "

like at seven in the morning anywhere around the stock exchange market - lots of people park their cars and go to work.. they need the paper.. 

text is linear and rational, structures yo mind, it limits it - spectrumize.. it's shit o'clock n gots to gets to class..

Time

Time is of the essence. Time wasted but enjoyed is not wasted time. It's only a matter of time till you accomplish your goal. So many different ways to look at time. It's limited to every person diffrently. Being organized helps efficient use of time. There's a time for everything, even nothing. Consider just you by yourself. How long could you last alone?

For me, I like to accomplish. I like when things are done, and I have nothing left but myself. I haven't had much time alone this year. It seems things are hectic, unfortunately it can't be simpler. This is the first time I set myself up for a real challenge... That's not quite true it's more like the longest challenge I've had so far. Six months ahead I will be done. I look forward to being done more than I do... That's right now.

I really miss taking the time for myself and just go at thoughts alone. That's my writing process, my need, my desire. Wanting things is not enough, there has to be an effort. Desire only comes when there's a trigger. Some gun held to my head leaving me with no choice but to vent. Today it's about time. How slow it passes when you just want to be done, and how fast it's gone once it's over. Ironic is not a sting enough word to describe the feel of time. I say feel because time is indifferent, unchanging, and always moving forward. It's up to you to catch up; on work, on rest, on yourself, on life itself. So long as your alive you should make the best of it.

What's best for you, only you can define. It's one of the hardest parts of life. Not just knowing but doing, successfully is a whole other story. Just don't live with regret. That's my philosophy, or that's how I'm trying to live right now. Learn from what you regret, even in one moment, and adjust. Change occurs over time. Learn from past mistakes. Even if they weren't yours.

When reality wakes you up

Life is the usual, and all is going well. You plan and expect outcomes from the future, but you can't really tell. As time passes and you get closer to the end, something suddenly comes up. Reality knocks you down and proves that it will be a challenge. The choice is left to you to accept it, face it, and make it. Cowering in the corner hiding from the truth, gets you no closer to success. Procrastination is a solution for those who fear to do, and fail epicly in the process. Given a forced choice between two outcomes, but wanting to do both equally the same. Leading life in no real direction except forward, enough with it being the same. Enough with me being here.

I know where I need to be in the future. What seemed to be logical thought/idea. I know what needs to be done in order to achieve it. It's just a matter of how long I take to get there. At least, that is what I thought. Faceing the first challenge between a rock and a hard place. All I can think is I need to breath. Forgeting I've already accepted this challenge in my head, all I can see is escape back to here. No place of value just open space, were I can breath with ease and not be scared of death.

Soulutions crossed my mind over and over. The easiest to attempt requires a full pledged motive. The hardest being four to six places at any given moment. I seem to lack a drive, a gear that will push me forward. Even though I hate where I stand I can't seem to push myself. Comfartable in the cushion of freedom and the idea that I can continue doing nothing. This is the standard in many lives, but do I accept just the standard? There is so much out there waiting for me to explore. Yet I expect failure more and more. The fear of failure is my greatest weakness. It's my cryptonite to life. I can push forward if a devastating attempt is made. Risking crippling in my life if I fail.

That's all I can imagine, that's all that seems to be there. It's horrible I think like this, but unavoidable part of me. This is the first time I think/discus it in my own mind. The first time I accept this problem as something that needs to be taken care of. The only way I know how is to face it head on. Take the hardest of the chalenges. If I try my best, I know I won't regret it.

Reality can be a complex illusion

What is the truth? I think the better question is what is not? Everyone processes information differently. Yet all life have a common goal. Survival is embedded upon us. Curiosity as well, though not as directly. We're all looking for something. Most don't even know what it is. I like to think I search for truth. In whatever way I see fit as it comes. Litreture, fact or fiction, has clarified to me seeking truth is a never ending process, simply because we learn something new everyday. My deductive reasoning has led me to believe the truth cannot be sought after. As such it my be easier to know that which is not.

Some arts of fiction are based on some distorted truth. There are so many distorted truths that I notice some similarities to reality and some to each other. These ideas must have originated from some place. Just to take you out of your box I'm going to give you an example that is somewhat relevant. The pyramids were built by aliens. That statement has been proven wrong by science and recreation of events that has passed. Yet, it's such a common idea it marginally seems plausible. There are many more ideas and concepts similar to this for now I'll just use aliens as a base. I'm sure most people think green men when I say aliens, because that is a common misconception protrate amongst humans. However there is a small part that believes it, even in me.

Each person has his own reality. Some build them on their own, some built as a collective. I say that because I believe my reality is a collective. Ideas, thoughts, perception, misperception, truths, lies, light, darkness, and religions. All of which drives me on my own path. I forgot reason, logic, and rationalization. Which can put truth where no truth exists, or mask it right before your eyes.

Oh! The most important thing: trust. So much is both built and broken on trust. But the truth is what allows you to trust. Unless built on lies to deceive your mind.

So much going on at any given time, you have to rely on others info for a piece of the pie. Cut so small it's I've become indifferent. I'd rather come to the conclusion on my own. The only way to do so is if it crossed right in front of my life. Otherwise it's not important and I wouldn't give it time in light.

All about food

Food in Kuwait is a big deal. As a matter of fact it's the only deal. There are so many diffrent styles and so many the same. Food is big business. The most recent trend with food is healthy food. Almost all new places have healthy diet food for this trend. So why is it so hard to decide on something even with all the new names poping up. People can't be deceived when it comes to food, it's all a matter of taste. With regards to the food itself or how it's presented. One issue that drives me insane is that not all the restaurants have delivery, especially some of the bigger names. Some of them have great food but no service. Others are the opposite. Few even just have looks but no real action. Even less are usually considered dead. However to each one that lasted there has to be a fairly good customer base. It's not easy to have and maintain that, especially in Kuwait.

Nutritionist should take a new look at how the food group is in Kuwait. One thing you have to keep in mind is that it's greatly affected by age group. For example purposes I will use my age group 22-28, or something about that range. Keep in mind every statistic has a margin of error. So as I was saying the new food grouping should be: office food, home food, food eaten outside. Each person may have a different combination of these three, and they must overlap. So I hope your thinking of circles and diagrams in your head. Each one contains certain attributes you look for. Some good places can fit in all three locations. As an example subway is famous for being healthy-ish and can be used for any time/place. The problem is people get bored of having the same thing over and over. Yet, most people tend to order the same thing every time from each restaurant.

What's important is what's good. Few experiment with what's new, at least not without some form of recommendation or knowledge of who's it is. Kuwait is a food haven. There's so much to choose from, yet your taste will always bring you back to the same. Not that you have a favorite restaurant, just enjoying the meal. Fast food has become a standard, and that's what most people eat. Location is even more important. Tendency shows that the most place you order from is the closest.

In this day and age we have the Internet. It brings the food to your doorstep. Sometimes you don't even need to carry cash. That provideds a new relm of laziness. Which is a huge market on it's own. Still, everyone is fighting for every ounce of advantage. So it brings us back to a matter of taste. The only thing left to wonder is whats your taste?

Selective memory

My memory is worse than selective. I forget way too quickly, not always by choice. Sommetimes things are hard to forget. Especially if you want to. You start thinking about it more and it makes the memory permanent. Certain feelings arise from those moments you never knew existed. And you try hard to bury those feelings but you know are there for a reason. That reason is also a moment which can top the rest. So forgetting the memory becomes a fight with time. Nolonger can you forget it in that moment.

In order to truly forget you must think of other moments, where they come through in the end. A successful moment is hidden and it should be where your concentration is. To clarify all my ramble here is an example. Dad... He is and always has been the only one who truly cares about what I do... But there are moments of weakness that in truth I have forgoton, but I know exist. From those moments I've developed a relentless hate, which even though I know not to be true, I can't escape it. This feeling shouldn't exist, because it's built on a few moments. Burying it deep within myself is the only thing I know how to deal with it. Erasin it is imposible. Embrasing it when it comes is favorable, because it goes away that much faster.

Then I bury it back deep within my soul, hidden from even myself. Building on it, with the knowledge it's going to be destroyed, but without a time limit. Unfortunatly my method is not real, because even at the slightest disagreement I feel a little blast. My foundation has been built strong enough to hold. Knowing that there will be more destruction and even better construction because he's my dad.

With time I felt these quakes in even the moat certain places where I thought no quake would be. Most foundations have shaken with some never to come back up. Even when I dismiss the shake and make nothing of it. It can be fixed by itself. I think this needs another example of a moment that has come and past so many times it's dangerous to build. A friend for a long time is where I felt it. He's more like a brother to me than a friend. Our differences are so many so different that there is no building only rubble. The fact the rubble is still there fighting time itself is a testiment of it's value. Those that survive the darkest moment are the memories I can never forget.

Then there are memories that are so engulfed in darkness, they are the hardest moments to erase. They are where the darkest feelings arise and are given birth. Not forgotten only buried deep within the soul. These moments should never be mentioned or thought about. So no example can be made. Emotions are frigile and can easily change. Make your mind up and stick with it, otherwise trust will be lost on yourself.

Hiding behind the truth

Words are wonderes and have their ways. The truth is what you believe and can change. A msk of lies hidden beneath the truth. That would of been a nice way to summarize, but it's a great place to start. Ideas are endless only as they are ideas. Once you attempt to test or evaluate them, it stops becoming an idea and turns into a truth. We are all here on a fact finding mission, that's life. The facts we find, believe, or even evade- are what make us who we are. Each personality is diffrent, and I'm not talking about the front which you put up for people.

People will see you as you present yourself. How many layers of presentation you forsee. A lie within a lie within a lie… just to present a truth. Key element may include silence or the illusion of understanding. Even though I know what's going on around me I'm not involved in it. Quiet isn't quite the word I'm looking for. I'm not sure which word I can use to describe it. Solitary seems to alone and I don't feel alone. It might be a combination of diffrent things that I hope show through my writing style. I'm not sure that's even possible.

Especially since my whole life is based on what others think, do, act, ect. Some people have greater effects than others. The greatest person effecting my life so far has been my dad. Without a dout, much of which is me is from him. However he's not alone. Sometimes that makes me feel I'm not myself, but in truth the combination of everyone who affects me makes my who I am. Yet, I don't believe I'm easy to mold or change. Strangle enough there is one thing that's my own - my writing - my flow -- never ending thought under control. Every time I write I feel a little free, just that much more chain is given to me. Yea it's a huge deal that I'm hiding under annonaminity, but otherwise this writing would be a facade of lies. I don't think I can write without the truth by my side.

Wicked temptations of the untouchable

I've just arrived at the office. The traffic was terrible on the way. However me being the worst one out there I acctually got in at 8:05… the official late time is after 8:15. I go about my standard entry rout, sign a piece of paper and go to my desk. So here's the little difference that inspired me to write. Usually I sit at my desk and set up my workspace for the rest of the day. Ie. Turn computer on, charge my iphon, get out a pen, ect. All of which are little items that don't make much of a difference.

Today instead of the standard routine, I sat down then turned around to ask a question. You see right behind me is the section head. He was overflowed with papers, none of which concerned the section. Me attempting to get work when none is available led me to see the traffic behind him. The door to which people come to sign in is right behind him, today it seemed all the women came after I did.

You should of seen the diffrent styles of cloths they had on. Keep in mind it's winter, add to that we are in a conservative country. Still yet they somehow managed to add a sexy appeal. One specifically that trumped the others. She was wearing a mini trench coat... What ever it's called was baige, looked expensive, and didn't go below the knees. I sware that I had a nude image flashing bhind the coat. From where I was siting at that moment she looked like sex. Pressburg on a silver platter. The irony is that I've seen this woman before and she's not all that. Today was different she looked hot.

It's just a natural to think of taking off your cloths when hot. Through my imagination I tore through her cloths without hesitation or thought. She may a well of had a bikini behind and I couldnt tell. Imagination is powerful. So much so that when activated can't be shut down. (at least not at the work place) and because of her I started noticing other Womans attire. If they have a ring on their finger they don't even appear on my radar. But for those who I know don't. Today they were nacked in my head. The tightness of the dresses and figures made it easy. Even what was once ugly seems like a dream. Not that this feeling hasn't occured before. I know tomorrow it will disappear. That which is a dream will be ugly again.

Though it haunts me. The thought of the magic and how easy it is, or isn't depending on… I don't know…that's why it's magic. There is however a new illusion on display. The hottest secretary has been placed at the desk next to mine. I'm at awe in the show, but have to remain at bay. Cannot touch even when it grows closer to me. Although I hate to admit, but I've crossed that line already. What was in my head at that time was… crazy. Still that moment has passed and was brushed off as… an accident. Though we both know what was ment as it was done. The set up was given, or taken… without a return. The teptation is wild, but I'm mostly I'm in control.

Line of sight

Today is a dark day. Winds are steadily growing stronger. A fog has come down on Kuwait. It's not all that surprising as we've had a good run of nice weather. As it's Kuwait it's always been on and off. Forget the fact that we are in December for a sec. Think about how diffrent it was from yesterday. As a matter of fact it's changing so quickly all you have to do is look outside. You'd think a huricain was upon us. Greatfully no such thing occurs in Kuwait. Though we do get bad winds that just keep speeding up because we're in the middle of noware.

As we all know even being someplace isn't enough to stop mother nature. Her will is stronger than any concrete or any object built by man. Even that which is built to fight against harsh conditions. I say this today because I just took a walk outside for a quick bite. My gitra(traditional headware) nearly got blown off. The next block over is invisible from a mixture of dust and fog. Tall buildings seem to be floating in mid air, at least the area that can be seen. The current of air is strong even through the cracks of the buildings.

It seems kind of clear but there are areas which are worse off. I hope it doesn't last for the rest of the day. Oh! To add insult to injury, before the situation escalated to as it is, this morning as I was parking my car an Indian came to clean. Wouldn't you know even though I needed it, that th weather would get this bad. Even though it almost never rains if it does I won't forget it. I can't wait to see if my car is still clean after this mess. That is to say if it clears up. I'll post an update telling you which it is... Till then you just gota get through without me…

Update: my car is semi-clean... With just the right amount of dust on it.

The power of one

One is alot... You know twos company, threes a crowd. One is much more powerful. It stands alone. Holds it's ground. Never wavering to surrender. Otherwise it would be zero. The power of one is too great to comprihend on so many levels. Coming to conclusions for serious issues you sometimes have to contradict yourself. Weirdly enough you don't always win. I don't know how to explain it but if you wait too long, then it will be concluded for you. Yes, you will learn- but that is the power of one.

Alone and by yourself statigizing your next move. If you don't act, fate will force some control. I believe in fate, and I use it to my advantage. The only way I'll know if my attrmp is successful is to bear through it. I say that because fate is a bitch. Yea I'll get what's coming to me but I can't accept it. I've accepted so much and bore through trials of life, with the knowlage that as long as I live these trials are not over. Even when one concludes another appears. I'm not running away from fate, I face an embrace it. Unwillfuly knowing this is what is ment for me. Passing them off as they grab hold. Waiting for the next direction, the next step, the next test for me and my soul.

I get shivers of time were I feel that it's going to break. Strenuous life with all my mistakes. Forgeting the past and looking on the present, where I plan the future. Missing the moments that seem to never end. Where I can think without strain on anything, or one. That is truly a great power one can hold. One is set as the first. The first. That is still alot. The next step is easy if you can cope with the first. And it gets easier with time. There's alot I can say about time, but I'm trying to concentrate on one, the first, the start, the beginning.
So much more than just one.

One is many. Think of what there is one of. Then remove everything that's copied. One or many?

Living aimlessly

In the world today, with all of its ease, many have difficulty setting up for success. Most people see wasted time and effort gone through useless repetition that they don't bother at all. However as you grow older you tend to focus on a routine. Somethings just won't change, unless something drastically diffrent from the norm occurs. These life changing moments are opportunities to think outside the box. Speaking from within the box that's something you have to evaluate on your own. However when evaluating these ever changing moments, you must remember a few things. Where you are in life. Where you want to be in life. And finally how to get there.

The first step is always easy. I'm sure you already have your reply. The second step is where I have difficulty, but to try and defend myself I think I'm still in the "trial" faze. Its just there doesn't seem to be an end to it. I'm still young I can waste time trying things out and see how I cope with it. Unfortunatly I seem to be very good at copeing with stuff, even really important stuff that may seem simple to you, like what I want to be. A simple answer always arises in my head when I'm asked that question, I've never replied it out loud. Me! I want to be whatever I am.

Yea... Right now I've got a desk job that I could train a monkey to do... Yea I'm not feeling challenged by life at present... Still I'm set up for the future. Even if I'm unsuccessful at achieving my short term goals. I still have back up. It's not my own back, but it's definitely up, way up. And I'm tied to that with blood. Stronger than any imaginary chain or what have you.

So…why am I here, if not for myself, then what. It's seems it's for someone else. I've learnt that it's not a big deal if you live for someone else. Take their dream and make it your reality. Live up to all the impossibilities that is the imagination. It's not that it's hard. It's deathly boring. I've tried to grow an immunity to boredom. Engaging my mind by myself when no one else is around. Feeling satisfaction, guilt, and everything that's between. Strengthening my emotion, yet never acting on them, bottling up hiding deceiving life and everything including me.

When I see people who genuinely care, and try to do something that will change reality. I feel both sad and happy… because they are living a dream. Employ these moment they will not last, you will come to your sences and never regret that you lived in that moment amd though unseucsessfull was the best.

I don't have new ideas, no new anything. I'm one within billions that just is. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not sad. I cope, it is what it is, that's life.

Live and learn

You are born between good and evil. What you learn from then on makes you what you are. What you do defines you, but how you think is for you alone. I on the other hand like to share my beliefs and desires. I also like to hear what others have to say. I like trying to think like other people, even in messed up situations, and compare to how I would of acted. Perspective is the  word of the day. It should be it's own dimension. That alone should be hard to take in.

Anticipation is within my nature. I assume how you would think. Based on intellect and movies you should be thinking he's crazy, then that's such a cliche. Unfortunately it works nearly every time, dragging someone into my logic is easy. Following theirs is damn near impossible. Whenever I ask a question answers prematurely pop in my head... What next gets easier unless there's something I want. Information is a great value only if you know what to do with it. If you don't its almost useless. 

The point I was trying to make went flying over my head... It's good vs bad and the fine line between. Everybody has both good and evil. Choice is always there. Doing nothing at all is a choice as well. If it's good or bad... Only you can tell.……… I like to think of myself as balanced, not good or bad. I believe in the fact that everything has something equal but opposite to it. For every good dead a sin is made. Karma exists and and all that other bs.

Yea... I believe it to be true… but don't apply to me. That might sound weird but let me explain. The simplest way I can is when driving, I'm controlling. If someone does something I don't like I almost always do it back. Unless I was at fault. I can admit to being at fault. However not as much as I probably should.

Belief is a very powerful weapon. You can will something to happen. Knowing that you have to erase ill-will. Unless you have no heart. Unfortunately that's easier said than done. For me especially, because for every good intention I have done. I think evil good for nothing thoughts. There are two reasons for that. Firstly I like being balanced between good and evil. Secondly I can bear the thought of having someone equal but opposite to me. He/she would rule the world... 

Perhaps my mind flows to far to follow. My thoughts to fast to catch and hold. One of these days I will be in full control. And then… God help us all.

I had a dream, and it was good

Dreams are funny things, sometimes sad, and others are just not remembered. The most vivid dreams I can recal are those which I re-enacted while I was awake. If you've ever tried to remember a dream you should understand. If you don't even recal remembering a dream then go to sleep... When you wake up think only about your dream. It's extremely difficult to wake up with that mindset, instead the obviouse 'why did I even wake up' dawns over you thoughts. Followed imeadeatly by 'got to do........got to hurry' by which time all essence of the dream is gone. I've found that the less you sleep the faster you remember your dream when you wake up. With this dream I have had it reoccur in my head so many times the details are beyond vivid imagination. I can't seem to remember if I wrote about it before I dreamt or I dreamt about it before I wrote it down. Either way here it is again...

It starts in total darkness nothing can be seen, but there is no thought, hesitation or fear. There's a light breeze brushing against my skin, it's cold but feels good from within. As I close my eyes to enjoy the feeling rain starts to fall. Each drop light but noticeable slow at first but getting faster. As I turn my head to the sky and open my eyes I begin to see. The clouds over me changing as I stand. Turning colors from white to grey to black. Slowly growing closer to each other as if drawn by magnets. Now the darkness is back I can only see the gaps of the sky, and I know that they too will close together to bring back the emptiness of this vast space.

When the clouds finally touch a bright light comes from within. I notice that just ahead lies a picket fence. Darkness is once again upon me as I start to walk. Just before I hit the fence another thundering light is flashed. Stoped me in my place. I thought I had a glymps of what's beyond but it seemed too unreal, I knew that anther flash would come, so I stood waiting trying not to blink. Out from beyond the farthest sight I start noticing fient flashes from very far. I squint my eyes and try to concentrate, and it seems that the flashes are growing faster and closer.

I take a step back in awe of the scene, only I relize I looked forward and it's still not clear. With every flash of light a little bit of the picture turns bright. I look up to see the clouds gathering in the sky. Only the flashes of light outlining their clash, only to notice the center of the fight. All their efforts going into one spot, darkness light encerciling each other. Growing closer still. To an empty space where I can make out part of the moon, disappearing and reaping with each passing boom. The heavens thunder and the ground shakes. As I steady myself I turn to see. The length of the fence in front of me. Over each horizon to the right and left. As if it kept moving with my sight. Echoing behind them still are small flashes of light.

Still there is no fear in my heart. I'll feel safe if I cross the fence. I walk towards it with the background in my sight. As I touched it lightning finally strikes. I felt it's tremor shaking through my hands, and saw it in it's instant the vast land. So I stood there patiently waiting the end of time. I notice the flashes in the back have come close to the center. Yet, through all this madness I see glimpses of the moon. Lighting a path to something cool. A narrow beem led me to a rose on a hill surviving through and through. The shuttering light seems to fade really fast. Darkness is wining and it will be the last.

Lighting strikes from right and left. Each with it's own power and vibration through my body. With each strike I see them growing closer still. In the center everything seems to be still. The picture is almost clear and It will be compleat. If only I could reach that center at the peak. I jump the fence only to feel my shoes are wet and the water seems to be in motion. Flowing away from the center but stoping at the fence. Now I'm thinking if I don't get to high ground I'm going to be electrecuted. I finally let go of the white picket fence. Start running towards the emptiness. As it drew closer to me I start seeing lighting falling heavyly, but the water is still light and there isn't much time. To draw a clearer picture of what's happening in my mind.

Fear is still not in my heart I know I can make it, I already made my start. As I kick through the water splashing about I feel sharpness and pain against my legs. I look down to see the water is covered by roses flowing through the stream. So many roses each one comes with many pricks, as I rush my legs through a little blood starts to shed. With the water rushing down from over my head, I know I can't stop till I reach that flower bed. As that thought occurred in my head, the ground shaken with each step, the light flashes on and off, diffrent locations demolished by pure unhindered force.

The grounnd beneath me starts to tilt, I've begun my assent on the hill. The water flowing beneath my feet, with each passing step becoming less but strong. More thundering roars shake the earth. As I reach the top I turn to see. I'm in the center with everything flowing away from me. Petels decorate the sky and show me the path of the winds. With every location in destruction and it does not stop. My knees buckle with the next few quakes, each one growing stronger and harder to beat. Lightning striking from all around, rivers forming on the ground. As more light is flashed, fast flickering as if there was no darkness at all. I notice the beauity of the rose on top. The white perfection is in total harmony with the silence of the eye of the storm. When everything else is in chaos it lies perfectly still.

I buckle further and my hands hold me up. I notice the water flowing is now red with all of the flowers petals from all the others. I look back to see that this white rose is the only one left in peace. I try to close in to take a closer look, but as I do every thing starts to slow down. The drops the lightning the petels even the shakes in the ground. Everything slowed almost to a stop, my mind confused but loving my luck. I look up in the sky and it seems- everything has finally gathered over me. A bright light burding slowly through the sky. Narrow and sharp breaking space and time. Shattering the darkness right before my eyes.

I was frozen in place I could not move. I looked down back at the rose. Still it stands firm in it's place. Nothing seems to be bothering it, even in all the chaos it holds still. The lightning over my head passes by my skin, burning the tip of my nose but passing still. As I jump back in pain I see it's aim. It's the white rose it wants to hit. As the flash hits the rose time stops. I see everything standing still in it's place even the lightning on the rose. Petals and rain drops and air still motionless.

Nothing happens all around me, but I feel something is wrong. I look down to see the rose blooming fast climbing the lightning wall. Growing faster higher, as if it took all other time and used it for itself. I look up to see the flower bud covering the moon. Blooming gracefully eclipsing all it's light. Suddenly time starts normal and everything in the sky starts to fall. No more wind brushing no more clouds gathering nothing is happening at all. I look up to see the rose still grips the lightning holding strong.

Here is where I wake. Feeling refreshed and joy.

Sick week

What a week. Came and went like a flash. Didn't really do anything strange. Planed and implicated a routine. It went pretty smooth too, looking back I see all the things I did do. Coming from me that's pretty strange. Instead of potato-ing and watching myself grow. I kept active all week long. Even when the odds were against me- through health and sickness. I feel I've lived. Now I'm dead again- nothing is a pain.

What I enjoyed most was the emptiness of Kuwait. Almost everyone was travling, and many moments came when I felt I was too. Im too disy to work or type today. My eyes are even barely open.....

Oh...that was a good nap... Not the first time I sleep on duty. The longest naps are usually after a head-banging weekend. Nothing leaves you more refreshed than a nap when your body is just not responding. Amazingly weekends don't work that way for me, it's as if I hibernate during the week, and exert every ounce of energy on the weekend. That's a really good balance to have. Yet, I'm looking forward to the time it will be inverted.

Age catches up with you, eventually you'll start feeling it. The little differences of past and present. I remember a time when I did not know how to take a nap. Now I'm even attempting it while walking my dogs. (almost had it too) the problem seems to be with me. I lack energy - always have - nothing really motivates me to get off my ass. The real probalm is that I don't mind it, I can sit someplace until I need to be simplest else.

The sweet bitter truth

Times come by when you are faced with a decision. A choice that if made, you won't regret either way. These times pass as if they were nothing, but acting on them makes a big difference. I relized there was no point, but I made sure everyone else new. I made the mistake of making sure my action was ment for you. Although the subject unsaid but ment unthought and unclear. Was it a favor from me to you a favor without string. But my string was obvious it felt more like a rope. It gave me a bit much expecting a loop, a kill a wonder. How I did it was wrong, I should of hid it all along, I treys to act like it was something good, but it bit me like it should. That was too free of me too careless. Too much unthought read unsaid done begun. How in the world are these things unclear. It is ment something else but it became something for me. Oh cruelty...

A little misjudgment went a long way. A diffrent thought process from a diffrent view. I thought of it one way and never expected iy to go back too. A head on collision a major bash. Head to head with thoughts of chicken in my head. Neither steered away from th coarse. Neither hesitant of death. A crash is expected and prepared. Norther parties fully aware. BOOM! They hit. Miraculasly both survive. Shake of the dust and wake each other up. Not a dream not reality walked away with peace and no harm. Nothing every happened no right or wrong. Thank God for survival. It was never ment. You'll keep whatever you have of yourself. No roads or cars involved, just two people passing by. Each going through the other as if they were a fly. When the window breaks and vision is clearer, wait for the part that admits. I was mistaken but should I confront it. Evrything was flowing on the go, but was happenening so fast i never saw it comeing.

On a diffrent side note,  probably should be writen elswhere, vaction is on... and I am off....... If you think about it clearly... there are times when you want to shut off compleatly... but you face the sweet bitter truth.... even when your in isolation, hibernation, solitude, or whatever you want to call it... there are issues which bring you back. Be it work, be it family, or be it for a choir. During this vacation I've met with all three... Each came at a diffrent time, and I couldn't do it any other way. Usually you'd be on most of the time, with stutters of swiching off, or just sleep. Right now i'm getting stutters of swiching on, and every thing else is off. I'm not sure that makes sence, but it's the best way to explain it. Oh! If you didn't relized this paragraf is one of those moments. (is it considered as being off, or on?) My head still banging, the ringing won't stop. (i'm sick) At the worst time possible. (when i don't have work) trying my best to quickly overcome the illness and enjoy the fun.

Break

Its Thursday again. Finally there's a chance for rest. This time it's a bit diffrent. Got a nice few days of after the weekend. It's just unfortunate for those who have work on Sunday like me. Other wise I would of had all next week off. So just in case you don't hear from me you know why. I will always use the chance when given to shut down. But much like an old computer it will take time to restart. Come Sunday I'll probably be functioning in safe mode or something like that. Using the utmost minimal requirements to just get by. I just hope something doesn't come up that'll prevent me from that too.

Over half my coworkers didn't show up today. Every one who was working was surprised I did. I'm not usually a flake but this day is like national skip day. Where if you don't show up you'll not be penilized any more than usual. Yea, the penalty isn't that harsh anyway. You just don't get you salary for the day. Get too many of those and hey you might not come ever again. The question remains how mauch is too many. There is no certain answer because it depends on your level of work. Can they do without you? Better yet are you sure you want to let them know?

Well in my case they already know. They've known from the minute I signed. I have no role other than learning from others. If any person does not show up theoretically I can take their place for that day, bur only in theory. Actualy they don't. So what reason is there for me to be here. A better question is where can I go? Something more solid, that I can sink into.

Still it remains the last day of the week. The start of the weekend. Fun all around. Enjoy yourself enjoy your time, keep in mind it's not coming back.

Feedback

Plenty of things are going on, and this is just a reminder to myself to keep it in mind. First off I'd like to say not working is the best. This week alone I took two sick days, when I was never really sick. Next week should be off but there happens to be one day that is going to keep people coming. Most people from work are taking that day sick. For me I'm going to need to skip it or stay with it. No vacation days left for me. I've had a long year. It's just not finishing.

Secondly, feedback on old times- parts 1 & 2. I really wanted to talk about them, but there's not much more I can add. However I believe a little explanation is in order. The real story is behind the making of it. To skim over some of the points quickly they are the first free thought notes where I managed to remove all restrictions. The reason is that they were never intended for anyone else to read. However one of my friends caught a glimps of them and started telling me what really caught his eye. Ever since then I thought of ways to start up my own little story that hopefully will add itself up to something big.

When I actually began this blog I wasn't sure how to roll with it. It's become more like a naration of my thoughts and the process in which I get to them. In doing so, alot of what I say makes sence on the spot, but compleat B.S. If you go through it again. Going back to my past I found that to be even more so true. There is so much information it stops making sence. Even when you look at it as a whole it's inconclusive. No real point other than the rant itself.

When faced with a paper and a pen my words flow free,
When face to face even with a friend I'm not really me,
Tried hard to achieve something new,
Found that I've not got a clue,
Don't stop stay steady,
Always be ready.
.
And when the time is right let go.
.
Time is right now always,
No quesions can a raise,
I might not have control over it all,
But I'm always ready to fall,
Then get up to start again,
I stoped fearing the pain.
.
That stop that wait,
All it does is irritate,
The climb back is long,
Keeping in mind where I went wrong,
Over and over till it gets done,
Only to find there's another one.
.
A different path unforeseen,
Life can be really mean,
But I learn I grow,
Everchanging what I know.
.
It was time that held me back,
Trying to hold on to my track,
My record its going to grow,
A small blossom in the snow,
An abstract impossibility pushed by hope,
The every day challenges-with them I must cope.
.
Seeking for the unknown with nothing unturned,
Unearthed, untouched, unboxed, or anything concerned,
All the same but diffrent because I'm on trial,
Through me it affects my identy my style,
Not just what I say but how where why and when,
Every part requestioned and rated over again,
.
Little by little things seem more clear,
The more you know the less you fear,
All introduction leading up to this,
Yet something seems a bit a miss,
The final tally the goal reached,
There is no answer to what I seeked.
.
Past present future there the same,
Moving forward is the rule of the game,
Looking back is for those who want to learn,
What's the next step and where to turn.
.

For those curiouse to know part three of the old me. You have to wait for a while, to give it the effect the style. Tommorow is just another day, but can be a start to something diffrent.

Old times - part 2/3

July 21 2010

Some days I move forward... Others I'm alone... Soo few were enthused about my own goal... Something for myself for no one else... Yet I'd be pleased if someone knew... A giving person drivin by selfish pride... I made someone happy but I don't feel alive... So I fouund someone else and try to find my pride... In giving not getting what is mine... These thoughts are endless raged on by being alone.. To give them a twist I found myself at home... Being calm when one should be enraged... But being enraged when one should be calm... When this lonelyness does end I should be happy and angry all at once... I shouldn't feel the future as it's not arived... As the time is passing and the words flow... My anger is geting less important than finishing a choir... As I sit here besides my dogs.. Waiting for time to move on... To feed them to pet them to play... Alll under control in my own way... When it comes to other people I can't control... Time ticks like a bomb... Indeed it is slow because you watch the seconds tick.. But you hope the timer doesn't stop before you flick the switch... Turn the dial or press a button... Hoping wishing it's not wrong and it will not be forgotton...  

July 25 2010

So i couldn't last. So I have no self control. So I quit and got back on. I tried only to give up. Once your off it easy to get on, but why is it harder to get back off again. I know the steps it easy to get help, but there's something I can't prevent. Clearing my mind to head to a diffrent direction. Clearing thoughts and have protection. Speaking of which, that I don't lack, giving me the green on whatever I like. It so easy to go back to something fimiliar. It's dificult to make a drastic change. It's all about choice and turning a wrong one to make it seem right. But deciding something unclearly and then so easily changing my mind. And it's not about one or two things that make this difficult, it's my whole life. A simple example that I can read right here is I wanted to try to make this a daily thing. It seems like what coming between me and having a life in the future is me having a life right now.  That seems unfair for me to make this choice because I'm having so much fun right now. I don't know what the future is going to be like. So I'm not into the future thing and I never was. It's always about right now and what I've got. 
And all I can see it this huge net around me and I'm not even above th ground. Some one somwhere I'm sure expects me to take off in the sky where I can be free just being. Another waits for me to dig a hole where I will sink.

Old times - part 1/3

I was looking for a few things yesterday when I came across 3 old notes written by hand. They are old rants which I thought had true meaning at the time. I thought it would be nice if I share them:

July 20 2010
Sometimes going crazy is good. Bad things happen for good reason. Reasons are unreasonable without the reality before. After it's unkown no matter how you plan... But to plan gives you a reason... If you need help all you need is to ask... Craving ranting... This isn't even what I wanted to rant about... Daily rant dot com.... A crazy mans log of crazy thoughts...

First day first way come here get me help... Driving driven said and done.... Sound light action begun... Act show wait for... Time gone blink song... Follow fear grow dear... Words wisdom no mattter were they come from... Child weak old weak... Only leaves in between... Crosing lines xs defined... All others left alone except for o... A perfect circle uncut unhinged untouchhed.. No feeling no meaning ... No meaning no life.. No life is death... Death is unknown... Not knowing is fear... Fear is need.. To face to place to To touch... To bear to where to when... Never forever infinitives unbroken extinct... Lost found a way today.. Tomorrow.. Time now is the only thing exsistant... Thoughts flow forgivness.. Anger rage fear fight flight courage peace calm... Sea be me... Fish, snitch, lie divide by zero... Infinate or non exsistant... Die for life... Empty goals for yourself... Fully aware it's for some one else.. A rant unheard unknown unsaid undone... Negate negativity you will be positive... Do it positivly and you'll be negative... Good bad nothing said... Find conect agree disagree.. Choice made now never forever... Lie awake asleep.. Do don't make a choice and be free.. With or without me...

Back to basics

It's the first day of the week, I doubt anyone is happy about it. However there is something to be happy about. The weekend... Truly it was epic... I was so out of the zone I was in it. Here in Kuwait the weather is changing, fast and hard. It's cooling down rapidly and now is the perfect time. Not too hot or too cold. Just right... Unfortuatly it doesn't last very long. As a matter of fact this morning on my way to work I had to turn on the heater. Not all the way but still brrrrrrrrrr..... Goosebumps just thinking about it... Strangle enough I know it's only going to get worse. The actual temperature this morning was just 17 deg. C.

Anyplace else in the world and you'd think it's nothing, but in Kuwait you'd feel the freeze in the air as it hits you. Trust me it will hit you. Just before the weather gets crazy be sure to enjoy this moment. The silence before the storm. If your anything like me and hate the cold, prepare the hibernation chamber because sleep becomes twice as heavy in cold. I miss the sun already. Our already limited activities become even more limited. To be fair some things come up that are deadly in our heat.

Work is just like, well work. It's not changing, but I think I am. I'm officially on my longest diet ever. I've been on it for about three months but it's constantly adjusting as I learn more about what is good for me. I never realized the importance of a healthy diet and what it can do to your body. Simply put, if you treat your body well it will do the same to you.

There's one more thing I have to change. My gym/exercise habits. The most thing I'm finding difficult is keeping it a daily routine. More like a bi-weekly routine. Even with the little changes I'm making from my diet. The exercise can't keep up. Everything is going in slow motion, but a motion none the less and in the right direction. A small difference is showing through numbers, but a huge one in looks. The proper way of exercising muscles is to let them have rest. Build them up slowly until you can go again. Once they reach the pain threshold stop relax and take it easy for a few days. Turning a week in the gym into just one day- for a professional.

Lonely planet

Moments pass where you wish someone else is there. To share the memories or help the sadness disappear. It's such a big place our world, and in truth you're never alone. The internet makes sure of that. Then again it's nice to have a smiling face by your side, in darkness or in light. Today is a bright day... The sun is shining, the weathers sweet, I'm in my own little paradice.

Yes! Even in Kuwait in my life... There are these moments... Sharing them in hope to get a smile on your face... Not to rub it in.... Maybe a bit :p but only because your not here, as a matter of fact no one is. Truly it's a shame because these moments don't last for long. Make use of it when it comes... It relieves such a great stress... No worries it does come along... Don't hesitate to take it even on your own.

Just do what comes is not enough - what you want and enjoy - that is the best. What's holding you back... It's the weekend. Rest... Finally...

Enjoying myself for me and you - Dany

A vision blured

I set myself up for failure time and time again. This one is more complex than before, but it's befitting considering what I'm trying to achieve. A goal was set in the distant future with prerequisites as a test. All that happened is I couldn't get into the test for myself. So now I'm left with two options. One is to scrap my goal and start all over. Two is to ignor the prerequisite making an already difficult task damn near impossible.

For some reason or another - and for the first time - I'm favoring the second. It's still clear what I have to do. Get my hands so dirty there won't be any thing clean. Make it worth the mess that I'm about to make. All that is bugging me is where to start... To give you an idea let me tell you what I'm trying to achieve... CFA... If you know it you know it - if you don't it's hard. No real way of sugar coating it... So back to how to get it started?

Well apparently there are deadlines for the tests, and there like two tests per year... One in December and one in June, approximately. Also the deadline for the December test has past. So only one option left in June. So I have eight months to prepare for the rest of my life. However as a professional procrastinator two small inconclusive options are available. One is to find a way to take this december test, without any assistance or study preperation, just to see how difficult it is. Two wait for the June test, go unprepared, or as best I can given the circumstance- expect to fail and learn my weaknesses.. Only to improve them for the December test of next year. So minimize my study curriculum as much as I can.

Then again there's the question of why not do it right the first time and get it over with? Well to do so, I would need assistance that under the current circumstances I do not have available. So my new prerequisite to over ride the first has become clear. Get the right connections, and do it on my own.... So why still do I feel like there's much left I need. Its simple yet so hard to achieve. My vision is still blurred as if something is in my way, I know that only when I set my plan will it go away. The uncertainity of this is so invigorating, even if I fail, I don't really lose anything. I feel like I'm free finally.

No work and no play makes Dany a dull boy...

Something keeps holding me back, draging me down. Feeling lost I thought I'd share my past. It makes me wonde how I used to be, so easy. Nothing should of stoped me, but something is slowing me down. Work is useless and I can't seem to prove myself usefull. Not now not before, but I used to no care at all.

I woke up late today, too late for work - so i stayed in bed. Untill it got to late to do anything at all. Lazy... It's printed on my head. It's not like i don't need to do stuff, just stuff doesn't get done when it needs. Although I finaly got my ass out of bed, with no place in mind to head. I relized as I was walking around. My pants are falling. So I went ahead into the yonder paths. Of shopping. Only need one thing get it get out fast quick. Though I saw this wingless angel walking like a mortal. She was hot as hell. I couldn't control my direction. As long as she was in my sights I had to follow up. With no real hope.

A quick distraction of my own made me look into a shop. Just a simple - does this have belts? - thought crossed my mind, when I looked back for my dream. She dissapeared. I new she flew back to where she came from. No more a touch, a smile, a name, or anything. Truly a dream. At that time I remembered where I was, and what I came here to do... Got the belt and got out of there so fast you'd think I flew.

In the end you'll always go back to the basics. They're dragged with you every place you go. Changing your motion shifts the chain, it realy tells you how far you came. That tug that let me go no further. Just a little dream in reality. How heavy it is... when you wake... drag yourself back in bed... no more courage to face what you dread. This is it. Deal with it.

Words of wisdom

You can't argue with the truth.

Fate has a way of getting to you.

Justice is served by power, not by right.

Faults are there but can be hidden.

Time moves forward but is still.

Darkness is just lack of light.

Bordum is only in your head, deal with it.

Play not with the cards your dealt, but with the game itself.

Life is not a game, yet it can get a lot more unreal.

Reality is the performance of your goal.

A goal unachieved is a life unfufilled.

The bathroom is the best place to think.

Not thinking is a task best dealt with other thoughts.

Orginizing yourself is the first place to start.

Fear is an illusion that can be beaten by facing more fear.

Swimming against the current won't get you anywhere.

Running away from your problems will get you in trouble.

Evading is just lack of courage.

The best way to get something done, is to do it yourself.

When you fail, don't blame anyone else.

Learning can only be achieved after failure.


Fail me once shame on me, fail me twice shame on you.

You can get the first chance, sometimes a second, almost never a third.

Guaranty your word with more words.

Judge not less you want to be judged.

Nothing is perfect.

A normal life deals with the most unnormalities.

Your way is only ment for you.

Doing done doos dose do done.

We all have a sence of senselessness.

Kuwait... My country...

I love my country and believe I'm a true patriot - but as to any place it has it's down side. Coming up with these quirks of my country isn't easy without trash talking it. So I'll start of with what's good. It's a very small place, and everyone knows each other. Families are united and all push for the same thing. The rule is set by a mixture of elements democratic and the other one. Being a Kuwaiti gives you sooo many benefits, there are many freebees. It's a rich and powerful country, some of it's power overflows to the people.

With all that said and probably many more - I think it's fair if I say what I wanted. It's boring, small, and everyone knows what your up to. It sometimes feels like they are big brother but watching you all your life. Yea, your free to live however you want.... As long as you obey the rules. There's plenty of leeway with these rules as your not force against your will to do so - but in not doing so your life will be extremely difficult. That is unless you know the right people.

I'm not blaming stupid conspiracy theories and going psycho over nothing. No! It's there everyone knows it, and they're not even trying to hide it... Fuck your privacy I'm not letting you get away worth what your up to....




The rule is set by a large family which for all proposes are great. Any thing you say bad against them is considered treason and will either lead to banishment or death. So as fast as I can I'm moving on to the next one on my list of benefits. Freebees... Yea they're great if you had no other choice. Because the service is not based on first come. It's nausea on who you've called. Contacts are essential to get anything done in Kuwait. Both legal and illegal things.

Alcohol and drugs are extremely illegal with the former sentence with a death penalty - hanging... Yea i'm serious... However both are widely flooded into the country... The profits they make on them are illogical... It would be cheaper to buy a round trip ticked, in a five star hotel, with three bitches by your side the whole trip... Okay so that may be a little exaggerated... But you get the idea... Oh! Just so that I'm clear that bitches are illegal here too... The thing is these are the top three black market goods available. Sold... But only if you build proper trust - no matter how much money you have...

I got a little heated there, it's good for the soul. Even with the huge mess that's everyplace in Kuwait. I love it, and wouldn't leave it for the world (without coming back). It is home... And everything that comes with that. To live in an insanity and stay sain... Acting like everything is normal when stories are told. Not exaggerated but facts seen by someone who knows someone that was there. The problem occurs when these facts are conformed by someone completely diffrent who knows diffrent people wih the same story....

Details of these specific situations are difficult to prove. The fact of the matter is that there is a situation (and I wasn't invited) [but that's not why I speak ill of it] and nothing can really be done. Just accepted it, live as best you can. Move on to what's next, and make things happens on your own. A word of advice though... Don't.... Your better off.

Happy hump day :)

Obviously this is the dullest day ever. Also known as hump day. Doesn't sound so dull now does it? Hump day is the middle of the week and is the toughest day to "work" through. Just so that you know this is me "working" in my office barely moving, just small adjustments on the iPhone, with the thumbs working their magic. Although there is the ocational cigaret just to keep me awake. Slowly turning to two :@ I know it's bad, but its addictive. I can just think off how many people reading this is going to light up a smoke. One :p

Ahhh... Now that I've had my cigaret break, I can get back on topic. Hump day... The middle of the week. Nobody wants to work. Time passes slower that doomsday... Also known as the first day of the week. If you look on the bright side there's not a lot of time before the weekend... Ahhh the weekend. Truly bliss. Even when nothing is there, you get comfort in that nothing will come up. Planing for the weekend makes it worse, because you never get to do all you plan.

It's prety damn cold in here what the fuck is going on. I need to piss - that's better. Now I can think.... Still drawing a blank... That saying is so weird. How can you draw a blank? It takes skill.... I've wanted to try out this style of writing for some time now... Never could find a proper way of introducing it... Just it's all improper and this was probably the best way .

Still it's obvious that I don't have much to say today... And for some reason I can't think straight... Probably end up never posting this... If I get some kind of idea later on.

Triple threat... All a man realy needs.

1. Sleep
2. Food
3. Sex

In that order of immportance only because you'll die from sleep deprivation before starvation. The last one I believe is self explanitory. The real question is how to get what you need? You work your ass off, earn money, so you can pay the bills. In the end we are just animals (men)... It's the truth, and when it comes down to choosing a man; it's a matter of who can provide the best in these three areas. Yea size counts, and not only what you're thinking but the walet too. Money is essential to aquire the best in 2/3 of the areas. The third one you learn along the way.

We're best built to adapt to situations as best we can to gain these three elements of life. Growth is part of each situation as time is constant. The only way not to gain from time is never to try to achieve anything. Believing what is, is ment to be. Unfortunately human nature won't allow you to be pleased with what is there. Greed will take over, and form it you'll want more. Everything else that follows not within these three issues, is greed wanting more out of life. The irony in greed is, if you're hard headed enough you'll get what you want. Success brings about greater success. Failure is not an option.

It's not a matter of difficulty in what stands before you, but the fact that you fought for what you believe. When you believe you deserve a better life, do something about it. Anything you do will count. In the end all living things strive for survival, and 2/3 of the above are a requirement. Sex is bonus.

You can't stop, or even limit yourself and say: hey I've had enough. Think of the greatest person you know.... What made them great? They knew there's more out there, waiting for their grasp. My hand has been extended many times, and I've only managed to scratch the surface. Just a small peak onto the future, with a plan that only requires more work. Even with just a plan it seems more compleat. To get what I want and have what it takes. Even the risks of failure are not enough - dragging me down keeping me on earth. Today I dream while awake. Suffering the torture of life and how it works. Pleasing myself with a cause reason and desire. The future ain't so bad if I'm empowered, even when it is just by a dream. I hope never to wake up.