What a week. Came and went like a flash. Didn't really do anything strange. Planed and implicated a routine. It went pretty smooth too, looking back I see all the things I did do. Coming from me that's pretty strange. Instead of potato-ing and watching myself grow. I kept active all week long. Even when the odds were against me- through health and sickness. I feel I've lived. Now I'm dead again- nothing is a pain.
What I enjoyed most was the emptiness of Kuwait. Almost everyone was travling, and many moments came when I felt I was too. Im too disy to work or type today. My eyes are even barely open.....
Oh...that was a good nap... Not the first time I sleep on duty. The longest naps are usually after a head-banging weekend. Nothing leaves you more refreshed than a nap when your body is just not responding. Amazingly weekends don't work that way for me, it's as if I hibernate during the week, and exert every ounce of energy on the weekend. That's a really good balance to have. Yet, I'm looking forward to the time it will be inverted.
Age catches up with you, eventually you'll start feeling it. The little differences of past and present. I remember a time when I did not know how to take a nap. Now I'm even attempting it while walking my dogs. (almost had it too) the problem seems to be with me. I lack energy - always have - nothing really motivates me to get off my ass. The real probalm is that I don't mind it, I can sit someplace until I need to be simplest else.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
The sweet bitter truth
Times come by when you are faced with a decision. A choice that if made, you won't regret either way. These times pass as if they were nothing, but acting on them makes a big difference. I relized there was no point, but I made sure everyone else new. I made the mistake of making sure my action was ment for you. Although the subject unsaid but ment unthought and unclear. Was it a favor from me to you a favor without string. But my string was obvious it felt more like a rope. It gave me a bit much expecting a loop, a kill a wonder. How I did it was wrong, I should of hid it all along, I treys to act like it was something good, but it bit me like it should. That was too free of me too careless. Too much unthought read unsaid done begun. How in the world are these things unclear. It is ment something else but it became something for me. Oh cruelty...
A little misjudgment went a long way. A diffrent thought process from a diffrent view. I thought of it one way and never expected iy to go back too. A head on collision a major bash. Head to head with thoughts of chicken in my head. Neither steered away from th coarse. Neither hesitant of death. A crash is expected and prepared. Norther parties fully aware. BOOM! They hit. Miraculasly both survive. Shake of the dust and wake each other up. Not a dream not reality walked away with peace and no harm. Nothing every happened no right or wrong. Thank God for survival. It was never ment. You'll keep whatever you have of yourself. No roads or cars involved, just two people passing by. Each going through the other as if they were a fly. When the window breaks and vision is clearer, wait for the part that admits. I was mistaken but should I confront it. Evrything was flowing on the go, but was happenening so fast i never saw it comeing.
On a diffrent side note, probably should be writen elswhere, vaction is on... and I am off....... If you think about it clearly... there are times when you want to shut off compleatly... but you face the sweet bitter truth.... even when your in isolation, hibernation, solitude, or whatever you want to call it... there are issues which bring you back. Be it work, be it family, or be it for a choir. During this vacation I've met with all three... Each came at a diffrent time, and I couldn't do it any other way. Usually you'd be on most of the time, with stutters of swiching off, or just sleep. Right now i'm getting stutters of swiching on, and every thing else is off. I'm not sure that makes sence, but it's the best way to explain it. Oh! If you didn't relized this paragraf is one of those moments. (is it considered as being off, or on?) My head still banging, the ringing won't stop. (i'm sick) At the worst time possible. (when i don't have work) trying my best to quickly overcome the illness and enjoy the fun.
A little misjudgment went a long way. A diffrent thought process from a diffrent view. I thought of it one way and never expected iy to go back too. A head on collision a major bash. Head to head with thoughts of chicken in my head. Neither steered away from th coarse. Neither hesitant of death. A crash is expected and prepared. Norther parties fully aware. BOOM! They hit. Miraculasly both survive. Shake of the dust and wake each other up. Not a dream not reality walked away with peace and no harm. Nothing every happened no right or wrong. Thank God for survival. It was never ment. You'll keep whatever you have of yourself. No roads or cars involved, just two people passing by. Each going through the other as if they were a fly. When the window breaks and vision is clearer, wait for the part that admits. I was mistaken but should I confront it. Evrything was flowing on the go, but was happenening so fast i never saw it comeing.
On a diffrent side note, probably should be writen elswhere, vaction is on... and I am off....... If you think about it clearly... there are times when you want to shut off compleatly... but you face the sweet bitter truth.... even when your in isolation, hibernation, solitude, or whatever you want to call it... there are issues which bring you back. Be it work, be it family, or be it for a choir. During this vacation I've met with all three... Each came at a diffrent time, and I couldn't do it any other way. Usually you'd be on most of the time, with stutters of swiching off, or just sleep. Right now i'm getting stutters of swiching on, and every thing else is off. I'm not sure that makes sence, but it's the best way to explain it. Oh! If you didn't relized this paragraf is one of those moments. (is it considered as being off, or on?) My head still banging, the ringing won't stop. (i'm sick) At the worst time possible. (when i don't have work) trying my best to quickly overcome the illness and enjoy the fun.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Break
Its Thursday again. Finally there's a chance for rest. This time it's a bit diffrent. Got a nice few days of after the weekend. It's just unfortunate for those who have work on Sunday like me. Other wise I would of had all next week off. So just in case you don't hear from me you know why. I will always use the chance when given to shut down. But much like an old computer it will take time to restart. Come Sunday I'll probably be functioning in safe mode or something like that. Using the utmost minimal requirements to just get by. I just hope something doesn't come up that'll prevent me from that too.
Over half my coworkers didn't show up today. Every one who was working was surprised I did. I'm not usually a flake but this day is like national skip day. Where if you don't show up you'll not be penilized any more than usual. Yea, the penalty isn't that harsh anyway. You just don't get you salary for the day. Get too many of those and hey you might not come ever again. The question remains how mauch is too many. There is no certain answer because it depends on your level of work. Can they do without you? Better yet are you sure you want to let them know?
Well in my case they already know. They've known from the minute I signed. I have no role other than learning from others. If any person does not show up theoretically I can take their place for that day, bur only in theory. Actualy they don't. So what reason is there for me to be here. A better question is where can I go? Something more solid, that I can sink into.
Still it remains the last day of the week. The start of the weekend. Fun all around. Enjoy yourself enjoy your time, keep in mind it's not coming back.
Over half my coworkers didn't show up today. Every one who was working was surprised I did. I'm not usually a flake but this day is like national skip day. Where if you don't show up you'll not be penilized any more than usual. Yea, the penalty isn't that harsh anyway. You just don't get you salary for the day. Get too many of those and hey you might not come ever again. The question remains how mauch is too many. There is no certain answer because it depends on your level of work. Can they do without you? Better yet are you sure you want to let them know?
Well in my case they already know. They've known from the minute I signed. I have no role other than learning from others. If any person does not show up theoretically I can take their place for that day, bur only in theory. Actualy they don't. So what reason is there for me to be here. A better question is where can I go? Something more solid, that I can sink into.
Still it remains the last day of the week. The start of the weekend. Fun all around. Enjoy yourself enjoy your time, keep in mind it's not coming back.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Feedback
Plenty of things are going on, and this is just a reminder to myself to keep it in mind. First off I'd like to say not working is the best. This week alone I took two sick days, when I was never really sick. Next week should be off but there happens to be one day that is going to keep people coming. Most people from work are taking that day sick. For me I'm going to need to skip it or stay with it. No vacation days left for me. I've had a long year. It's just not finishing.
Secondly, feedback on old times- parts 1 & 2. I really wanted to talk about them, but there's not much more I can add. However I believe a little explanation is in order. The real story is behind the making of it. To skim over some of the points quickly they are the first free thought notes where I managed to remove all restrictions. The reason is that they were never intended for anyone else to read. However one of my friends caught a glimps of them and started telling me what really caught his eye. Ever since then I thought of ways to start up my own little story that hopefully will add itself up to something big.
When I actually began this blog I wasn't sure how to roll with it. It's become more like a naration of my thoughts and the process in which I get to them. In doing so, alot of what I say makes sence on the spot, but compleat B.S. If you go through it again. Going back to my past I found that to be even more so true. There is so much information it stops making sence. Even when you look at it as a whole it's inconclusive. No real point other than the rant itself.
When faced with a paper and a pen my words flow free,
When face to face even with a friend I'm not really me,
Tried hard to achieve something new,
Found that I've not got a clue,
Don't stop stay steady,
Always be ready.
.
And when the time is right let go.
.
Time is right now always,
No quesions can a raise,
I might not have control over it all,
But I'm always ready to fall,
Then get up to start again,
I stoped fearing the pain.
.
That stop that wait,
All it does is irritate,
The climb back is long,
Keeping in mind where I went wrong,
Over and over till it gets done,
Only to find there's another one.
.
A different path unforeseen,
Life can be really mean,
But I learn I grow,
Everchanging what I know.
.
It was time that held me back,
Trying to hold on to my track,
My record its going to grow,
A small blossom in the snow,
An abstract impossibility pushed by hope,
The every day challenges-with them I must cope.
.
Seeking for the unknown with nothing unturned,
Unearthed, untouched, unboxed, or anything concerned,
All the same but diffrent because I'm on trial,
Through me it affects my identy my style,
Not just what I say but how where why and when,
Every part requestioned and rated over again,
.
Little by little things seem more clear,
The more you know the less you fear,
All introduction leading up to this,
Yet something seems a bit a miss,
The final tally the goal reached,
There is no answer to what I seeked.
.
Past present future there the same,
Moving forward is the rule of the game,
Looking back is for those who want to learn,
What's the next step and where to turn.
.
For those curiouse to know part three of the old me. You have to wait for a while, to give it the effect the style. Tommorow is just another day, but can be a start to something diffrent.
Secondly, feedback on old times- parts 1 & 2. I really wanted to talk about them, but there's not much more I can add. However I believe a little explanation is in order. The real story is behind the making of it. To skim over some of the points quickly they are the first free thought notes where I managed to remove all restrictions. The reason is that they were never intended for anyone else to read. However one of my friends caught a glimps of them and started telling me what really caught his eye. Ever since then I thought of ways to start up my own little story that hopefully will add itself up to something big.
When I actually began this blog I wasn't sure how to roll with it. It's become more like a naration of my thoughts and the process in which I get to them. In doing so, alot of what I say makes sence on the spot, but compleat B.S. If you go through it again. Going back to my past I found that to be even more so true. There is so much information it stops making sence. Even when you look at it as a whole it's inconclusive. No real point other than the rant itself.
When faced with a paper and a pen my words flow free,
When face to face even with a friend I'm not really me,
Tried hard to achieve something new,
Found that I've not got a clue,
Don't stop stay steady,
Always be ready.
.
And when the time is right let go.
.
Time is right now always,
No quesions can a raise,
I might not have control over it all,
But I'm always ready to fall,
Then get up to start again,
I stoped fearing the pain.
.
That stop that wait,
All it does is irritate,
The climb back is long,
Keeping in mind where I went wrong,
Over and over till it gets done,
Only to find there's another one.
.
A different path unforeseen,
Life can be really mean,
But I learn I grow,
Everchanging what I know.
.
It was time that held me back,
Trying to hold on to my track,
My record its going to grow,
A small blossom in the snow,
An abstract impossibility pushed by hope,
The every day challenges-with them I must cope.
.
Seeking for the unknown with nothing unturned,
Unearthed, untouched, unboxed, or anything concerned,
All the same but diffrent because I'm on trial,
Through me it affects my identy my style,
Not just what I say but how where why and when,
Every part requestioned and rated over again,
.
Little by little things seem more clear,
The more you know the less you fear,
All introduction leading up to this,
Yet something seems a bit a miss,
The final tally the goal reached,
There is no answer to what I seeked.
.
Past present future there the same,
Moving forward is the rule of the game,
Looking back is for those who want to learn,
What's the next step and where to turn.
.
For those curiouse to know part three of the old me. You have to wait for a while, to give it the effect the style. Tommorow is just another day, but can be a start to something diffrent.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Old times - part 2/3
July 21 2010
Some days I move forward... Others I'm alone... Soo few were enthused about my own goal... Something for myself for no one else... Yet I'd be pleased if someone knew... A giving person drivin by selfish pride... I made someone happy but I don't feel alive... So I fouund someone else and try to find my pride... In giving not getting what is mine... These thoughts are endless raged on by being alone.. To give them a twist I found myself at home... Being calm when one should be enraged... But being enraged when one should be calm... When this lonelyness does end I should be happy and angry all at once... I shouldn't feel the future as it's not arived... As the time is passing and the words flow... My anger is geting less important than finishing a choir... As I sit here besides my dogs.. Waiting for time to move on... To feed them to pet them to play... Alll under control in my own way... When it comes to other people I can't control... Time ticks like a bomb... Indeed it is slow because you watch the seconds tick.. But you hope the timer doesn't stop before you flick the switch... Turn the dial or press a button... Hoping wishing it's not wrong and it will not be forgotton...
July 25 2010
So i couldn't last. So I have no self control. So I quit and got back on. I tried only to give up. Once your off it easy to get on, but why is it harder to get back off again. I know the steps it easy to get help, but there's something I can't prevent. Clearing my mind to head to a diffrent direction. Clearing thoughts and have protection. Speaking of which, that I don't lack, giving me the green on whatever I like. It so easy to go back to something fimiliar. It's dificult to make a drastic change. It's all about choice and turning a wrong one to make it seem right. But deciding something unclearly and then so easily changing my mind. And it's not about one or two things that make this difficult, it's my whole life. A simple example that I can read right here is I wanted to try to make this a daily thing. It seems like what coming between me and having a life in the future is me having a life right now. That seems unfair for me to make this choice because I'm having so much fun right now. I don't know what the future is going to be like. So I'm not into the future thing and I never was. It's always about right now and what I've got.
And all I can see it this huge net around me and I'm not even above th ground. Some one somwhere I'm sure expects me to take off in the sky where I can be free just being. Another waits for me to dig a hole where I will sink.
Some days I move forward... Others I'm alone... Soo few were enthused about my own goal... Something for myself for no one else... Yet I'd be pleased if someone knew... A giving person drivin by selfish pride... I made someone happy but I don't feel alive... So I fouund someone else and try to find my pride... In giving not getting what is mine... These thoughts are endless raged on by being alone.. To give them a twist I found myself at home... Being calm when one should be enraged... But being enraged when one should be calm... When this lonelyness does end I should be happy and angry all at once... I shouldn't feel the future as it's not arived... As the time is passing and the words flow... My anger is geting less important than finishing a choir... As I sit here besides my dogs.. Waiting for time to move on... To feed them to pet them to play... Alll under control in my own way... When it comes to other people I can't control... Time ticks like a bomb... Indeed it is slow because you watch the seconds tick.. But you hope the timer doesn't stop before you flick the switch... Turn the dial or press a button... Hoping wishing it's not wrong and it will not be forgotton...
July 25 2010
So i couldn't last. So I have no self control. So I quit and got back on. I tried only to give up. Once your off it easy to get on, but why is it harder to get back off again. I know the steps it easy to get help, but there's something I can't prevent. Clearing my mind to head to a diffrent direction. Clearing thoughts and have protection. Speaking of which, that I don't lack, giving me the green on whatever I like. It so easy to go back to something fimiliar. It's dificult to make a drastic change. It's all about choice and turning a wrong one to make it seem right. But deciding something unclearly and then so easily changing my mind. And it's not about one or two things that make this difficult, it's my whole life. A simple example that I can read right here is I wanted to try to make this a daily thing. It seems like what coming between me and having a life in the future is me having a life right now. That seems unfair for me to make this choice because I'm having so much fun right now. I don't know what the future is going to be like. So I'm not into the future thing and I never was. It's always about right now and what I've got.
And all I can see it this huge net around me and I'm not even above th ground. Some one somwhere I'm sure expects me to take off in the sky where I can be free just being. Another waits for me to dig a hole where I will sink.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Old times - part 1/3
I was looking for a few things yesterday when I came across 3 old notes written by hand. They are old rants which I thought had true meaning at the time. I thought it would be nice if I share them:
July 20 2010
Sometimes going crazy is good. Bad things happen for good reason. Reasons are unreasonable without the reality before. After it's unkown no matter how you plan... But to plan gives you a reason... If you need help all you need is to ask... Craving ranting... This isn't even what I wanted to rant about... Daily rant dot com.... A crazy mans log of crazy thoughts...
First day first way come here get me help... Driving driven said and done.... Sound light action begun... Act show wait for... Time gone blink song... Follow fear grow dear... Words wisdom no mattter were they come from... Child weak old weak... Only leaves in between... Crosing lines xs defined... All others left alone except for o... A perfect circle uncut unhinged untouchhed.. No feeling no meaning ... No meaning no life.. No life is death... Death is unknown... Not knowing is fear... Fear is need.. To face to place to To touch... To bear to where to when... Never forever infinitives unbroken extinct... Lost found a way today.. Tomorrow.. Time now is the only thing exsistant... Thoughts flow forgivness.. Anger rage fear fight flight courage peace calm... Sea be me... Fish, snitch, lie divide by zero... Infinate or non exsistant... Die for life... Empty goals for yourself... Fully aware it's for some one else.. A rant unheard unknown unsaid undone... Negate negativity you will be positive... Do it positivly and you'll be negative... Good bad nothing said... Find conect agree disagree.. Choice made now never forever... Lie awake asleep.. Do don't make a choice and be free.. With or without me...
July 20 2010
Sometimes going crazy is good. Bad things happen for good reason. Reasons are unreasonable without the reality before. After it's unkown no matter how you plan... But to plan gives you a reason... If you need help all you need is to ask... Craving ranting... This isn't even what I wanted to rant about... Daily rant dot com.... A crazy mans log of crazy thoughts...
First day first way come here get me help... Driving driven said and done.... Sound light action begun... Act show wait for... Time gone blink song... Follow fear grow dear... Words wisdom no mattter were they come from... Child weak old weak... Only leaves in between... Crosing lines xs defined... All others left alone except for o... A perfect circle uncut unhinged untouchhed.. No feeling no meaning ... No meaning no life.. No life is death... Death is unknown... Not knowing is fear... Fear is need.. To face to place to To touch... To bear to where to when... Never forever infinitives unbroken extinct... Lost found a way today.. Tomorrow.. Time now is the only thing exsistant... Thoughts flow forgivness.. Anger rage fear fight flight courage peace calm... Sea be me... Fish, snitch, lie divide by zero... Infinate or non exsistant... Die for life... Empty goals for yourself... Fully aware it's for some one else.. A rant unheard unknown unsaid undone... Negate negativity you will be positive... Do it positivly and you'll be negative... Good bad nothing said... Find conect agree disagree.. Choice made now never forever... Lie awake asleep.. Do don't make a choice and be free.. With or without me...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Back to basics
It's the first day of the week, I doubt anyone is happy about it. However there is something to be happy about. The weekend... Truly it was epic... I was so out of the zone I was in it. Here in Kuwait the weather is changing, fast and hard. It's cooling down rapidly and now is the perfect time. Not too hot or too cold. Just right... Unfortuatly it doesn't last very long. As a matter of fact this morning on my way to work I had to turn on the heater. Not all the way but still brrrrrrrrrr..... Goosebumps just thinking about it... Strangle enough I know it's only going to get worse. The actual temperature this morning was just 17 deg. C.
Anyplace else in the world and you'd think it's nothing, but in Kuwait you'd feel the freeze in the air as it hits you. Trust me it will hit you. Just before the weather gets crazy be sure to enjoy this moment. The silence before the storm. If your anything like me and hate the cold, prepare the hibernation chamber because sleep becomes twice as heavy in cold. I miss the sun already. Our already limited activities become even more limited. To be fair some things come up that are deadly in our heat.
Work is just like, well work. It's not changing, but I think I am. I'm officially on my longest diet ever. I've been on it for about three months but it's constantly adjusting as I learn more about what is good for me. I never realized the importance of a healthy diet and what it can do to your body. Simply put, if you treat your body well it will do the same to you.
There's one more thing I have to change. My gym/exercise habits. The most thing I'm finding difficult is keeping it a daily routine. More like a bi-weekly routine. Even with the little changes I'm making from my diet. The exercise can't keep up. Everything is going in slow motion, but a motion none the less and in the right direction. A small difference is showing through numbers, but a huge one in looks. The proper way of exercising muscles is to let them have rest. Build them up slowly until you can go again. Once they reach the pain threshold stop relax and take it easy for a few days. Turning a week in the gym into just one day- for a professional.
Anyplace else in the world and you'd think it's nothing, but in Kuwait you'd feel the freeze in the air as it hits you. Trust me it will hit you. Just before the weather gets crazy be sure to enjoy this moment. The silence before the storm. If your anything like me and hate the cold, prepare the hibernation chamber because sleep becomes twice as heavy in cold. I miss the sun already. Our already limited activities become even more limited. To be fair some things come up that are deadly in our heat.
Work is just like, well work. It's not changing, but I think I am. I'm officially on my longest diet ever. I've been on it for about three months but it's constantly adjusting as I learn more about what is good for me. I never realized the importance of a healthy diet and what it can do to your body. Simply put, if you treat your body well it will do the same to you.
There's one more thing I have to change. My gym/exercise habits. The most thing I'm finding difficult is keeping it a daily routine. More like a bi-weekly routine. Even with the little changes I'm making from my diet. The exercise can't keep up. Everything is going in slow motion, but a motion none the less and in the right direction. A small difference is showing through numbers, but a huge one in looks. The proper way of exercising muscles is to let them have rest. Build them up slowly until you can go again. Once they reach the pain threshold stop relax and take it easy for a few days. Turning a week in the gym into just one day- for a professional.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Lonely planet
Moments pass where you wish someone else is there. To share the memories or help the sadness disappear. It's such a big place our world, and in truth you're never alone. The internet makes sure of that. Then again it's nice to have a smiling face by your side, in darkness or in light. Today is a bright day... The sun is shining, the weathers sweet, I'm in my own little paradice.
Yes! Even in Kuwait in my life... There are these moments... Sharing them in hope to get a smile on your face... Not to rub it in.... Maybe a bit :p but only because your not here, as a matter of fact no one is. Truly it's a shame because these moments don't last for long. Make use of it when it comes... It relieves such a great stress... No worries it does come along... Don't hesitate to take it even on your own.
Just do what comes is not enough - what you want and enjoy - that is the best. What's holding you back... It's the weekend. Rest... Finally...
Enjoying myself for me and you - Dany
Yes! Even in Kuwait in my life... There are these moments... Sharing them in hope to get a smile on your face... Not to rub it in.... Maybe a bit :p but only because your not here, as a matter of fact no one is. Truly it's a shame because these moments don't last for long. Make use of it when it comes... It relieves such a great stress... No worries it does come along... Don't hesitate to take it even on your own.
Just do what comes is not enough - what you want and enjoy - that is the best. What's holding you back... It's the weekend. Rest... Finally...
Enjoying myself for me and you - Dany
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A vision blured
I set myself up for failure time and time again. This one is more complex than before, but it's befitting considering what I'm trying to achieve. A goal was set in the distant future with prerequisites as a test. All that happened is I couldn't get into the test for myself. So now I'm left with two options. One is to scrap my goal and start all over. Two is to ignor the prerequisite making an already difficult task damn near impossible.
For some reason or another - and for the first time - I'm favoring the second. It's still clear what I have to do. Get my hands so dirty there won't be any thing clean. Make it worth the mess that I'm about to make. All that is bugging me is where to start... To give you an idea let me tell you what I'm trying to achieve... CFA... If you know it you know it - if you don't it's hard. No real way of sugar coating it... So back to how to get it started?
Well apparently there are deadlines for the tests, and there like two tests per year... One in December and one in June, approximately. Also the deadline for the December test has past. So only one option left in June. So I have eight months to prepare for the rest of my life. However as a professional procrastinator two small inconclusive options are available. One is to find a way to take this december test, without any assistance or study preperation, just to see how difficult it is. Two wait for the June test, go unprepared, or as best I can given the circumstance- expect to fail and learn my weaknesses.. Only to improve them for the December test of next year. So minimize my study curriculum as much as I can.
Then again there's the question of why not do it right the first time and get it over with? Well to do so, I would need assistance that under the current circumstances I do not have available. So my new prerequisite to over ride the first has become clear. Get the right connections, and do it on my own.... So why still do I feel like there's much left I need. Its simple yet so hard to achieve. My vision is still blurred as if something is in my way, I know that only when I set my plan will it go away. The uncertainity of this is so invigorating, even if I fail, I don't really lose anything. I feel like I'm free finally.
For some reason or another - and for the first time - I'm favoring the second. It's still clear what I have to do. Get my hands so dirty there won't be any thing clean. Make it worth the mess that I'm about to make. All that is bugging me is where to start... To give you an idea let me tell you what I'm trying to achieve... CFA... If you know it you know it - if you don't it's hard. No real way of sugar coating it... So back to how to get it started?
Well apparently there are deadlines for the tests, and there like two tests per year... One in December and one in June, approximately. Also the deadline for the December test has past. So only one option left in June. So I have eight months to prepare for the rest of my life. However as a professional procrastinator two small inconclusive options are available. One is to find a way to take this december test, without any assistance or study preperation, just to see how difficult it is. Two wait for the June test, go unprepared, or as best I can given the circumstance- expect to fail and learn my weaknesses.. Only to improve them for the December test of next year. So minimize my study curriculum as much as I can.
Then again there's the question of why not do it right the first time and get it over with? Well to do so, I would need assistance that under the current circumstances I do not have available. So my new prerequisite to over ride the first has become clear. Get the right connections, and do it on my own.... So why still do I feel like there's much left I need. Its simple yet so hard to achieve. My vision is still blurred as if something is in my way, I know that only when I set my plan will it go away. The uncertainity of this is so invigorating, even if I fail, I don't really lose anything. I feel like I'm free finally.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
No work and no play makes Dany a dull boy...
I woke up late today, too late for work - so i stayed in bed. Untill it got to late to do anything at all. Lazy... It's printed on my head. It's not like i don't need to do stuff, just stuff doesn't get done when it needs. Although I finaly got my ass out of bed, with no place in mind to head. I relized as I was walking around. My pants are falling. So I went ahead into the yonder paths. Of shopping. Only need one thing get it get out fast quick. Though I saw this wingless angel walking like a mortal. She was hot as hell. I couldn't control my direction. As long as she was in my sights I had to follow up. With no real hope.
A quick distraction of my own made me look into a shop. Just a simple - does this have belts? - thought crossed my mind, when I looked back for my dream. She dissapeared. I new she flew back to where she came from. No more a touch, a smile, a name, or anything. Truly a dream. At that time I remembered where I was, and what I came here to do... Got the belt and got out of there so fast you'd think I flew.
In the end you'll always go back to the basics. They're dragged with you every place you go. Changing your motion shifts the chain, it realy tells you how far you came. That tug that let me go no further. Just a little dream in reality. How heavy it is... when you wake... drag yourself back in bed... no more courage to face what you dread. This is it. Deal with it.
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