Old times - part 2/3

July 21 2010

Some days I move forward... Others I'm alone... Soo few were enthused about my own goal... Something for myself for no one else... Yet I'd be pleased if someone knew... A giving person drivin by selfish pride... I made someone happy but I don't feel alive... So I fouund someone else and try to find my pride... In giving not getting what is mine... These thoughts are endless raged on by being alone.. To give them a twist I found myself at home... Being calm when one should be enraged... But being enraged when one should be calm... When this lonelyness does end I should be happy and angry all at once... I shouldn't feel the future as it's not arived... As the time is passing and the words flow... My anger is geting less important than finishing a choir... As I sit here besides my dogs.. Waiting for time to move on... To feed them to pet them to play... Alll under control in my own way... When it comes to other people I can't control... Time ticks like a bomb... Indeed it is slow because you watch the seconds tick.. But you hope the timer doesn't stop before you flick the switch... Turn the dial or press a button... Hoping wishing it's not wrong and it will not be forgotton...  

July 25 2010

So i couldn't last. So I have no self control. So I quit and got back on. I tried only to give up. Once your off it easy to get on, but why is it harder to get back off again. I know the steps it easy to get help, but there's something I can't prevent. Clearing my mind to head to a diffrent direction. Clearing thoughts and have protection. Speaking of which, that I don't lack, giving me the green on whatever I like. It so easy to go back to something fimiliar. It's dificult to make a drastic change. It's all about choice and turning a wrong one to make it seem right. But deciding something unclearly and then so easily changing my mind. And it's not about one or two things that make this difficult, it's my whole life. A simple example that I can read right here is I wanted to try to make this a daily thing. It seems like what coming between me and having a life in the future is me having a life right now.  That seems unfair for me to make this choice because I'm having so much fun right now. I don't know what the future is going to be like. So I'm not into the future thing and I never was. It's always about right now and what I've got. 
And all I can see it this huge net around me and I'm not even above th ground. Some one somwhere I'm sure expects me to take off in the sky where I can be free just being. Another waits for me to dig a hole where I will sink.