A vision blured

I set myself up for failure time and time again. This one is more complex than before, but it's befitting considering what I'm trying to achieve. A goal was set in the distant future with prerequisites as a test. All that happened is I couldn't get into the test for myself. So now I'm left with two options. One is to scrap my goal and start all over. Two is to ignor the prerequisite making an already difficult task damn near impossible.

For some reason or another - and for the first time - I'm favoring the second. It's still clear what I have to do. Get my hands so dirty there won't be any thing clean. Make it worth the mess that I'm about to make. All that is bugging me is where to start... To give you an idea let me tell you what I'm trying to achieve... CFA... If you know it you know it - if you don't it's hard. No real way of sugar coating it... So back to how to get it started?

Well apparently there are deadlines for the tests, and there like two tests per year... One in December and one in June, approximately. Also the deadline for the December test has past. So only one option left in June. So I have eight months to prepare for the rest of my life. However as a professional procrastinator two small inconclusive options are available. One is to find a way to take this december test, without any assistance or study preperation, just to see how difficult it is. Two wait for the June test, go unprepared, or as best I can given the circumstance- expect to fail and learn my weaknesses.. Only to improve them for the December test of next year. So minimize my study curriculum as much as I can.

Then again there's the question of why not do it right the first time and get it over with? Well to do so, I would need assistance that under the current circumstances I do not have available. So my new prerequisite to over ride the first has become clear. Get the right connections, and do it on my own.... So why still do I feel like there's much left I need. Its simple yet so hard to achieve. My vision is still blurred as if something is in my way, I know that only when I set my plan will it go away. The uncertainity of this is so invigorating, even if I fail, I don't really lose anything. I feel like I'm free finally.